If people marry for physical attraction, or financial reasons then those motives can fade. If you don't marry your best friend then you can hurt them badly in a fit of selfishness. Acohol and drugs can imair judgement as well. If people find themselves in bars often then that can be a problem. The movie Sideways had a great commentary on this.

Ah, Dave, I don't think it's that simple. Even if you marry for physical attraction, there's still no justification I can see for cheating on your spouse. I see it as less of a 'why did you get married' issue as a 'how trustworthy are you' and 'how seriously do you take your vows' issue? Indeed, given our modern times, I find it hard to imagine how I'm supposed to trust a colleague with business matters when I know that they aren't trustworthy in their personal life.

I definitely see your point. I think most people want to stay faithful, but consider their needs more important than their spouses.
Take Bill Clinton as an example. He was supposed to be one of the most empathetic presidents in history. Really understood people, cared about them and solved a lot of problems. Made a really good impact on the world in a lot of ways. But alas, he could not control himself. JFK, Ben Franklin. All made great contributions to the world, but put their own needs ahead of their wive's in the moment of truth.
I think the question may become "How selfish are you?" Have you learned to truely put other's needs ahead of your own, or are your needs ultimitely the most important?
So in business, I think you could deal with these people with the realization that when the chips were down, that they would put their needs ahead of yours. If you factor that into your calculations then perhaps you can work with these people in a limited capacity while not putting your life or livelihood in their hands. Let me know what you think.

this cool 'UNITED HAPPY FAMILY' is the family that have the ful union and the love equal to one him self

I have conducted some research on this and discovered that, of the people that I have interviewed, (about 100 at this point), far more women have cheated on their mates then men. This could simply be a reflection of the sample, but, so much attention is given to men cheating that I thought I should weigh in to provide "balance".

hmmm... it's easy to cast stones boys. I think that men who "just don't understand the urge to cheat" simply are Zeta men. They don't know what it is like for the Alpha men out there who have a surplus of testosterone in their systems. The reality is that monogamy doesn't make biological sense for us... males have been tricked into it by women... and our sadomasachistic Western religious tradition. All of my biology is screaming at me to mate with as many women as I can... Yeah, I don't want to hurt my wife, but it isn't really a choice. I CAN'T SAY NO, BECAUSE SAYING NO IS AKIN TO COMMITTING SUICIDE. Guess what boys, that's why there are more of me out there than you, because it's the guys like me whose genes are passed down. We have one duty in this life, and that is to our ancestors, to pass on our genes, their genes, so that we, and they, can acheive immortality. I'm doing my duty... you aren't

ok... so you are fuming mad after reading my last post. I get it. Guess what, I didn't really mean what I wrote, I was using hyperbole to make a point: it's easy to cast stones, but for some men it is VERY VERY VERY difficult to overcome the urge to have sex with as many women as possible. Being judged doesn't help, it just turns us off of righteousness altogether. I really can't believe that you folks can't at least sympathize with the urge / struggle. Maybe those of you who are pristine could share with us your secrets of success.

BTW, I have never understood why some people think that someone who can't be trusted not to cheat can't be trusted in business. I find the opposite in fact. Many of the men I know who have cheated take business ethics very seriously. According to the gossipers, Warren Buffett has been having an affair with his maid for decades, but you won't find a staighter shooter in the boardroom. I am very familiar with a case in a company where there was one individual who took business ethics very seriously, but who had a hard time keeping his pants up. His colleague found out about this and used it against him in internal company politics; however, the colleague who was so judgemental, ended up bilking his clients out of hundreds of millions of dollars, while the "cheater" tried to stop him all along the way.

The point is that there is no correlation between a man's ability/ desire to control his sexual urges, and his desire to do right by his clients / customers.

How pathetic!!!! That a man would rather do right by strangers (clients)than the one person he has promised to forsake all others for!!! I would not trust a cheater!

They apparently have some serious moral, ethical, and psycological problems. Not to mention being a liar and a seriously untrustworthy person.

I have to say that I'm with you, Chris. The "men are wired that way" argument is very weak. It's the same reason that, theoretically, we should kill our neighbors for being noisy, rather than simply asking them to turn down their stereos, and why we shouldn't be in relationships in the first place.

Some guys might think that sounds cool, but no-one I'd want to know. Sheesh.

Is it true that the presupposition here is that “cheating” is “bad”?
Why?
During the wedding ceremony, where does it say, “therefore you shall not sleep with anybody else from now on”?
And really, if it were safe sex, no STD, no pregnancy, then, given today’s medical capability, what exactly is wrong with extramarital sex?
What’s the big deal anymore?
All man get sick and tire of sleeping with the same woman after a while, let’s not lie to ourselves. So what’s wrong with trying out new partners?
Few men can satisfy their woman each time and every time. So, what’s wrong with a wife looking after her own welfare by having sex with someone else who can satisfy her needs?
Really, which is the worse sin: being hypocritical to oneself, refusing to deal with one’s own feelings and needs? Or honestly and sincerely try out new partners, stay in good mood and be productive and live happily?

Guys, how many men cheat b/c they are chased by women? Some women like the quest of a married man. I must say it is very hard to resist when a woman finds herself attracted to you and does all in her power to persuade you into "cheating". I too thought that men that cheated had a lack of self-respect and morals etc... I now find myself in a situation where I am the "hunted", and though it feels good to the ego, and I'm sure will be physically gratifying... I also believe every action requires an equal reaction. If I learned my spouse had ever cheated on me I would leave her where she stood, and not look back, and I would expect the same from her. So, I guess my struggle becomes, is my physical gratification worth more than the years I have spent trying to develop a healthy, trusting relationship with my wife, or do I seize the opportunity to fulfill another woman's desires....

"Sex", is such a funny thing in our Western culture, but I think it's that way b/c so many groups have made it so taboo, it is funny how we become sexually attracted to some people, but yet we are supposed to repress those feelings, and in some cases feel bad about them. Why should we feel bad about something that is a natural occurence. We run into trouble when we attach ourselves to those feelings, and start acting out of physical desire. Will I cheat on my wife? I tell myself no everyday, only b/c I choose not to cheat. But I have to not let myself get caught in a do or die situation. I can't show up to a womans house, flirt around, have some drinks, and ask myself why am I doing this as my pants are being unzipped...At that point its too late...I already made the decision when I pulled into the driveway. I have to take responsibiltiy at all times for what I am doing, and what situation arise (no pun intended).. Thanks for the outlet... Good luck to those who struggle with "cheating", I hope we can all find the balance to our feelings and desires..

B

Thanks for your note, confused, but if there's one thing that informs my thinking it's that as adults we're supposed to be in control of our reactions and responses to situations. A child gets hit, spins around, and hits the other person. An adult, a mature person, turns around and says "what just happened?"

In the same way, I work in a college town with gaggles of gorgeous coeds wandering around. But so what? It's my ability to say "no", to not be weak, to not give in to those primal urges that marks me as a man, not a boy.

If I have made a vow to my partner that I'll be faithful and true, then the question boils down to what's more important: my being trustworthy and true, or my wanting to have a passing intimacy with someone else? Different guys obviously have different perspectives on this question, but as I said earlier, I'm not really impressed at all with guys who are willing to break up a relationship or lie to their partner so they can have an orgasm or two. Pretty phenomenally shallow, if you ask me.

So, sure, women sometimes pursue men, and it's gratifying and fun to have someone be interested in you, but it's ultimately your decision - not hers - whether or not you go further than casual flirting, whether you consummate the flirtation. And you're the one that'll have to live with the consequences, whether they're out in the open, or whether they're purely in your own heart as you realize ever time you look in the mirror that you're in a relationship that's no longer built on trust or honesty.

Why do men cheat on their spouses? Simple. Selfishness. When you make a public vow to be faithful to your spouse, unless you take that vow lightly (in which case why'd you even bother?), you have to understand that your _manhood_ is on the line EVERY time the temptation to cheat presents itself. Say you're feeling blah and Angelina Joile shows up when your wife and children are out for the day. Suppose you did have a brief fling with Ms. Jolie. Is that supposed to make her think more highly of you? You just betrayed the most intimate relationship you promised to honour. And what for? For an orgasm with one of the world's sexiest women? And that's supposed to make you a muy macho guy how? The real courage, the real _manhood_, is in being able to look Ms. Jolie straight in the eye and say "You're an incredibly sexy and desirable woman, but I'm married and I want to stay that way, so I don't think I ought to be giving you that rubdown you just asked for." Dunno about the rest of the guys reading this, but in my case, it wouldn't be Angelina Jolie I'd have a real problem resisting, it'd be Natalie Portman, and I haven't even seen "Closer" ;-)

The other variable to consider here is whether or not there is such a thing as _objective_ moral truth. If there is such a thing, then how one feels at the moment is not the final standard that determines whether an action is ethical or not, and failing to honour one's matrimonial vows is not simply succumbing to a genetic or evolutionary predisposition, it is the failure of one's moral compass. And when your navigational aids fail, you may end up going somewhere you don't want to. In this context, a possibly useful reference is J. Budziszewski's _The Revenge of Conscience_. Cheat on your spouse? Just say no. Always.

I agree with you Victor. Even if it's Angelina... :-)

Some men have affairs as a form of sexual recreation, and I can't say that I approve of that. On the other hand, I think the reason most people have affairs is because they're lonely and unhappy in their marriages.

Ideally, people should either fix it or leave, but life can be more complicated than that. What if your spouse refuses to admit there's a problem? And leaving gets much harder to do if you happen to have young children who adore both their parents. Not mention the fact that you adore your kids and would be really unhappy if you only saw them on weekends.

All right, so you decide to stick it out until the kids are old enough to handle a divorce. You go without much in the way of sex or emotional fulfillment for about 3 years. Then you meet this wonderful woman, and she's like an oasis in the desert. You never realized just how thirsty
you've been, but now that you do, you find yourself drinking from her waters again and again.

You're happy. Your lady friend is willing to wait a few years, so she's happy too. Your happiness gives you more energy, so you spend it on your kids and now they're happier. There are people who would look down on you if they knew. It doesn't bother you, because you know they wouldn't judge you so harshly if they truly understood.

Well, DC, I can see where that'd be a tough situation, but difficult situation or not, you need to be honest and forthright with your spouse. If you think your kids can't tell when Mommy and Daddy don't actually like each other, then I think you're fooling yourself. Marriage isn't easy, and it's not always fun. I learned that from my folks (who have been married over 50 years now), and, darn it, it's work too. Lots of work. But I just think that either you make the commitment and take it seriously, or you don't, and if you don't, well, you're just not as honorable or trustworthy in my book.

Sorry, but I don't think coming clean with my wife and immediately initiating divorce proceedings is in the best interests of my kids. If my wife and I had an acrimonious marriage, then I could justify it, but the fact is, we don't. There's no passion in our relationship, but we get along well enough, and while my wife is a terrible romantic partner, she's more than adequate as a mother. My kids have a stable and reasonably cheerful home environment. I'm not going to take that away from them before I think they can handle it.

Honesty and integrity are important virtues, but I don't think they trump compassion. When I knew that my marriage was unfixable --and don't think I didn't try to improve things-- I had to make a choice about whether I should initiate divorce proceedings sooner or later. I chose later, because I knew from firsthand experience that divorce is hard on kids, even when it's the best thing that could happen to them. I think doing it your way would be like removing a cancerous leg tumor by chopping off the leg with an axe. It's simple and it would work... but it'd be a lot less traumatic to the patient if you took your time and removed the tumor with a scalpel.

The uncomfortable truth about my affair is that it's actually improved my relationship with my wife and kids. I feel less resentment toward my wife now, so I'm much more relaxed and tolerant around her.

And suppose my wife found out about my affair? Would it hurt her? Considering that she's told me on more than one occasion that it would be okay if I fulfilled my sexual needs with someone else, it probably would not hurt as much as you might think. And I can't imagine her telling my kids or badmouthing me later.

The only drawback I see to delaying my divorce is that it doesn't free my wife to find someone else. On the other hand, she's asexual and weighs 300 pounds. I'm not sure she'll ever find anybody with those sorts of handicaps.

I don't expect you to necessarily agree or approve of what I'm doing, but I think it's important that you not immediately condemn a person simply because they don't toe the same moral lines that you do. Standing on a soapbox and announcing that any man who cheat is a dishonest scumbucket isn't going to change anybody's mind. If Jesus had preached that sort of thing to the masses, he would have simply been another Pharisee, and nobody would have listened to him.

DC,

Apparently you should just suck it up and live in pig crap for the rest of your marriage. If you believe you are doing the right thing by your heart. Then you are doing the right thing for you. In this life the greatest gift is love, to ourselves and others, without the recieving and giving of love we are empty shells awaitng death. If I were unhappy with my spouse and could not work things out then we would split. But I would hope I could walk away with the utmost respect for myself knowing at least that I tried to compromise and work through our differences. If things did not work they did not work and now it's time to move on; however, that is right for me. It sounds like this "affair" has created a "new" life for you and you are further in touch with your own spirit and heart, thus making the things around you better. The only person's book you have to worry about is your own, if you go to sleep with a peace of mind and a loving heart and a full life that your are proud and confident of then you are doing things right by you... live well

Dc,
I must say you had me at “I don’t want to hurt my kids.” However – by saying you don’t want to hurt them are you not being truthful to yourself? Hypocritical maybe?

Is it your kids or the financial strain that it would put on both you and you lover?
I must say I have had a very hard time w/ my spouse in the 15 years we have been married.
And god knows it has been hard to deal with my spouse and how my spouse goes about our marriage. However- I do realize that if we were to divorce, not only would it hurt our kids …but our financial and social way of life as well.

And I would lie if I did not admit of wanting something more out of our commitment to one another.It's human nature after all. I will also admit to being offered an affair w/ someone very familiar and well informed of our marital issues.

Tempting? Yeah…sure…yeah, very. Shallow? Yes. I thought what an offer! …To put my kids first and expose myself to an adventure that would gain me so much physical and emotional pleasure!!!

And then I woke up to reality. I was selling myself a bag of empty dreams. Might as well live in fantasyland.

I just know that I would always have in the back of my mind, is this person looking for love or an “easy relationship?"
Then I would turn that question over to myself. Am I just looking for love or an easy relationship that does not exist?

How shallow. How could I possibly even consider that offer? I felt that was a sure motive to try that much harder to remember the day I fell in love w/ my spouse. And most important was why I fell in love.

I thought of that feeling in me the first time we made love, the first time we kissed and the first time I felt I would just die if any thing ever happened to this person I married.

That reminded me of why all this time I stayed married for 15 years. Not for my kids or for our finances, but for all the right reasons.

D.C, do you really think it would help or benefit your mistress if you divorced your wife?
Have you ever asked youself that question?

Where would your wife put you if she (your wife) ever found out of your affair?

Where would that put her?

I can’t speak for her but I can tell you that your idea of divorcing your wife and going off into happily ever after is just a sweet but very false,ignorant and naive fantasy.

I think you are just in love w/ the idea of someone new. Someone you can just have FUN w/.

How can you trust your mistress won’t do the same to you? Once you get your way, of both being together and then she has to cook and clean and work- not to mention live w/ the insecurity of you gone out the door to work or so you say. Have you thought of the eternal doubt in her mind? How could you trust her? How could she trust you?

Once you finally get to be together and you wake up each morning day after, day, after day with bad breath and on the wrong side of the bed. Then what?

God forbid you or you girlfriend end up w/ some type of illness like the one of your wife (obesity). Would your mistress care enough to stay by your side? Would you? Not to mention your bank account. What would happen when the money you spend on her was to vanish into life’s unexpected issues?

I truly hope when you wake up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror you can honestly say your affair is well worth your lifetime. As you know we only get 1 chance at life. So why spend it in lies, D.C.?

Your case reminds me of something I was once told by someone I know.

Just a quick true story of a friend-
My friend’s dad had a mistress for many years. He claimed his wife just did not give him the attention he needed. To top it off she (his wife) fell ill to a thyroid condition that caused her to gain an enormous amount of weight and a heart condition as well.

His wife was a beautiful woman for the most part of their marriage. But do to her health problems her physical changed. She had dedicated her entire life to him and their children.

However he claimed she was a wonderful mother and she took care of him the way a wife should care for her husband. One day his wife found an old letter from his mistress. And she still did not confront him for sometime-

She confided to a close friend about this. Some how he found out that she knew about this letter and he came clean. He then asked her to stay.And she tried to forgive him.

The kids were now grown enough. His daughter was married w/ kids of her own and his younger son was 19 and in a new relationship.

Soon after all this (about 1 yr.later) his wife died of a massive heart attack. To everyone whom knew of the situation believed it was more of a broken heart.

Some time latter he brought his mistress out from the shadows. Most knew about her. That would include his daughter. His daughter resented their relations during her mother’s life. But came to forgive them both. She did not want to be bitter.

Now they could finally let the world know they were a couple.
They moved in together. And they even began a business.

Soon to his surprise (about 2 months later) she left him. She said she just got scared of all the responsibility that came w/ their new life together. She asked him for his forgiveness and returned to care for her x-spouse whom is dying of cancer. She also mentions her kids and how she would loose their love if she did not go.
She said to him it was more out of compassion for her family.

The moral I think was…two families torn, a GOOD mother dead, for two selfish reasons. Lust and adventure.

How little it all lasted. In the end it was just a challenge for the two adultery parties involved.

They lost a lot of respect from their family and friends. Not to mention how their apt-integrity (or “lack of ”)...
Was torn out and totally taken away in the eyes of their children.

The ones that they said they DID NOT want to hurt in the first place.
Just a little something for you to think about –D.C…

ohh... and Jesus will forgive that whom truly repents.

Sleep tight on it compassionate one …that is if you can sleep at night?-

God bless,
may you one day find your happily Ever After, where-ever that may be.

I must say that I have learned something reading all of your postings about men that cheat. It seems that it is simply a "weakness" that they have within themselves that they could do something so horrible to the one they make their vows to on their wedding day.

Was this site just for men? I came here to read up and try to understand why I was cheated on by my ex-boyfriend, my ex-best friend, my ex-fiance. I guess I have all the questions in my head still that people ask when they find out their significant other has cheated on them... all those questions that are answered never to our satisfaction.

It's been over one year now and the effects of my ex's decision to be unfaithful still hurt me. Those feelings of not being able to trust again haunt me and make me heistant to meet anyone else. I am not a weak woman. I am strong and my faith lies within God. I never knew something like this could bring me to my knees in pain. I have never felt my heart hurt the way it did the day I found out he cheated. I am known to be a loving, friendly, happy, strong, and beautiful 26 year old. Males flirt with me often but for me it was simple and it took strength within myself to not desire another male. I knew I loved my ex with all of my heart and I would never give any other man the satisfaction of thinking that there was any room in my heart for him or for any desire of him. That made me proud.. proud to be who I was and proud to be who I will always be. The only reason he could give me was that he didn't think we were working out but he did not have the courage to tell me and let me go before hurting me.

I have no experience as opposed to you married men that have been tempted or even you married ladies. I mean , really, I'm 26, never been married so how would I know? It all comes down to the strength of the individual and what he or she stands for. If you have such a lack of respect for your spouse and yourself that you would cheat, for one night of gratification, then your "happiness" with this other person will undoubtingly not last. Who are you kidding? That goes for the person who cheated right along with you and tempted you... you both have the wool pulled over your eyes. So, may God help you and give you strength to make the right choice. No one deserves to be betrayed, married, or almost married.

I thought my world was over and I thought I lost everything and that my future was ruined. I have never felt so alone in my entire short life! Experiencing it first hand, I know that I am worth more than what someone who wants to cheat on me thinks I am worth. No one should ever have to feel that pain of someone else's weakness.

I thought people were supposed to remember to always treat others how they would want to be treated? It's too bad society has to have postings of such topics but that's what this world has come to. People just don't care. The only time they will care is when they are living in an eternal darkness because they did not repent and mean it... By then it'd be too late...

I commend those men who are strong and can be real men!!! That's what would make me want to give my all to my husband, that's what would drive me to give him unconditional love and affection!! A STRONG man, a FAITHFUL man.

Thanks for your addition, movin, but I would encourage you not to judge all men by the comments of a few. I also find it interesting to see how easily some of the contributors here can rationalize being unfaithful and ignoring their vows. As for me, I'll stick with my original comment that I'd find it hard to trust a man in business or friendship if he can't respect his marriage vows.

Getting divorced after trying to make it work, that's one thing. Getting divorced because your wife cheated, that's something that makes sense to me too, but being so weak that you can't say no to temptation, well, I'm not impressed.

As a woman, I've tried to understand what it must be like to be a male...male friends and relatives have shed light on the subject as well as extensive reading about men/women. But overall, these men that I know are all very moral, ethical, trustworthy people. As much as a beautiful woman may tempt or even throw herself at them, they chose in every situation to NOT go down that road.
I'm not saying you're stuck forever in a sad situation at home. I believe you should do everything humanly possible to save the marriage - counseling for example., before you call it quits and certainly before you start fooling around.
My marriage has been rocky for over 2 years but I always loved my husband and always looked forward to tomorrow like a fresh start. He refused to go to counseling, and eventually I came home to an empty house - he just couldn't deal with confrontation and instead moved out. I don't know where he's living. If he is with someone else, at the very least he's got to admit to it and secondly answer whether or not he wants a divorce. I've gotten no response to any of my questions. I continue to live in limbo while he's out God knows where. Is that nice? Is that what you do to someone you love? Most men wouldn't treat a business partner with such utter disrepsect, yet they think nothing of hurting their own wives with their deceipt.

So you men that are suffering mid-life crisis, or grass is greener syndrome, before you take off and decide to be bachelors again - have the guts to talk face to face with your wives. Don't
cheat on your wife and pretend you're not.
If you really want out, that's painful enough - but at least you can spare her the pain of being disgraced if you're with other women while you're still married.

And by the way, men are not the only ones tempted by beautiful people that come along. Women have strong desires too - we're different than men, but we're not aliens. We're human too, and there have been many opportunities when I could have been selfish. It's a choice. Don't put yourself in a situation where you'll be alone with someone. That's the best way - prevention.
And don't EVER say that lame line, "it just happened." Nothing happens by accident- you have to want it to.

God bless,

here's something for you guys. I am the "other woman" and I can tell you it's no picnic. Also I didn't "come on" to him, he sought me out and didn't reveal he was married until much later. I'm a career person and didn't have time for "snooping around" to see if he lied to me. When I did find out it was the line well we're not sleeping together and have not been for years (and they do have separate bedrooms-this I know for sure) He recently bought me a house and he's the kindest, nicest man I know. We've been seeing each other for over a year and I believe he cares for me as I do him. So there it is. Do I like this situation? No. Am I comfortable with him? Yes. Are we "monsters". I guess to someone on the outside looking in. I think we're just two people trying to be happy with what we have to work with.
P.S If she loves and wans him why doesn't she keep him home and out of trouble?

Tammy, cool. Thanks for posting your perspective on things. Obviously, there are as many different stories as there are relationships. I have to say that your comment "if she loves him, why doesn't she keep him at home" is a bit disingenuous, in my opinion. In many situations, by the time the spurned partner is aware of the severity of the problem, their spouse has already become turned off by them, so even answering the door in skimpy lingerie and a glass of wine (or a silk robe and massage oil, whatever) is just as likely to produce a "what the hell's your problem now?" as a "you look smashing, honey! Let's use the couch!"

I still say that if a relationship just is failing and is collapsing under its own lack of communication and decaying love, then the mature way to deal with it is to *face it* together, and to either work really hard to make things better, with third party help as possible, or to truly split up. The "late nights at the office" that are really sneaking around with the new lover are just ridiculous and I still can't see how anyone can justify it.

Finally, monsters? Hardly. And I never had any sense that the third person, the new lover, was a temptress or tempter. After all, if the person in the marriage wasn't allowing themselves to be tempted, there wouldn't be any temptation. And *acting* on the temptation, well, that's where it goes from "window shopping", which I think is totally harmless, to "buying the demo model", if yaknowwhatImean.

Your perspective will be different and that's fine. I never claimed to be The Expert on this subject. I'm just sharing my own view and finding illumination in the discussion that's ensued.

Tammy-
YOU POOR CHILD OF GOD! YOUR EVEN MORE CONFUSED THAN D.C.

WOW TAMMY...WHAT A WAY TO GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN! THIS IS JUST A WONDERFUL WAY FOR ME TO SEE HOW SOME HUMAN MINDS TRULY WORK.

YOU HAVE JUST ADMITTED TO “NOT LIKING” THE SITUATION YOU ARE IN.

I MUST SAY I TRULY ADMIR YOUR SINCERITY. I DON’T HOWEVER HAVE MUCH RESPECT FOR ADULTRY.

SO… YOU QUESTION IF THIS MAKES YOU A MONSTER? WELL...NO, I DON'T THINK IT DOES. IT SIMPLY MAKES YOU A MISSGUIDED AND VERY CONFUSED PERSON... PERHAPS?

LOOK, I'M REALLY TRYING HARD NOT TO JUDGE YOU. BUT YOU ARE CORRECT WHEN YOU SAY SOME OF US ARE ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN.

AND BOY HAVE I LOOKED IN.
YOU MAY WONDER IF I HAVE EVER BEEN THE
"OTHER WOMAN”? AND COULD I EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE THE OTHER ONE? WELL, MY REPLY IS...NO.

BUT I HAVE BEEN CLOSE TO MANY SUPPER TEMPTING OFFERS THAT HAVE COME PRETTY DARN CLOSE. NONE HOWEVER WORTH MY INTEGRATY AND SELF-REDICUL. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY…
”YA LIVE AND LEARN.”

YOU SOUND LIKE ONE OF MY OLD FREINDS.SHE IS SUCH A SWEET HEART. AND HIGHLY INTELLIGENT IN THE BUISSNESS WORLD.YET SHE TOO GOT INVOLVED IN AN AFFAIR. HER STORY HAD A SIMILARITY TO YOURS.

SHE ALSO SAID, "HEY... he sought me out and didn't SAY he was married until much later."

I SIMPLY REPLIED TO HER ...THEN WHY WOULD YOU CONTINUE THE RELATIONSHIP? WHY ARE YOU MAKING IT SO COMPLICATED?

ACCORDING TO HER, HE WAS JUST EVERYTHING SHE WANTED IN A MAN. HE HAD THE PERFECT EVERYTHING! SO I REPLIED ...SO THEN YOU WANT A PERFECT CHEET IN A MAN?

I EVEN WENT AS FAR AS TELLING HER, THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST BECOME A HOOKER. AND THOUGH SHE THOUGHT MY COMENT WAS “AMUSING,” SHE SIMPLY REPLIED THAT SHE HAD FALLEN IN LOVE.

NEEDLESS TO SAY HE TOO WAS MADLY IN LOVE W/ HER AND A COUPLE OF HER FRIENDS TOO. IN THE END THE ONLY ONE HE DID NOT LIKE WAS HIS WIFE.BUT FOR SOME REASON HE IS STILL MARRIED TO HER.

SHE (MY FREIND)WOULD OF NEVER BELIVED IT HAD SHE NOT INVESTIGATED AFTER A COUPLE OF YEARS W/ THIS GUY.SHE WAS STARTING TO FEEL A LITTLE NEGLECTED BY HIM. SO THIS TIME SHE WAS THE ONE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.

AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO FINISH HER STORY.

TAMMY, JUST ASK YOURSELF SOME TRUTHFUL QUESTIONS, WHAT TRULY MAKES THIS MAN IN YOUR OWN WORDS "KIND?"

THE NEW HOUSE? THE FACT THAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW FOR SHURE THAT HE AND HIS WIFE HAVE SEPRATE BEDROOMS?

BY THE WAY IT'S VERY EASY FOR HIM TO JUST WALK INTO HIS WIFES BEDROOM AT NIGHT.THEY ARE ONLY STEPS AWAY.

WHY WOULD YOU QUESTION HER (HIS WIFE) LOVE FOR HIM TAMMY?

SO MAYBE YOU WONDER...
If she loves HIM and wants him THEN why doesn't she keep him home and out of trouble?

WELL, WHY NOT ASK YOURSELF TAMMY, IF SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE YOU TOO WILL BE ASKING YOURSELF ...P.S... IF I love HIM and I want him THEN why don't I keep him home and out of trouble?

...IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT WHEN WE TURN THE TABLES AND THE MIRROR ON THE WALL SHOWS OUR TRUE REFLECTION.

TAMMY IF THINGS WERE THIS SIMPLE WE WOULD NOT BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.AND THIS WEB PAGE WOULD NOT EXSIST AND WE WOULD BRING THE END TO ALL AFFAIRS.

PLEASE TRULY SERCH YOU’RE THOUGHTS AND YOUR TRUE MOTIVES FOR THIS RELATIONSHIP.IS IT REALY LOVE? OR JUST SOME POCET MONEY?

AND I TRULY AM NOT TRYING TO DISRESPECT YOU/HIM OR YOUR FEELINGS.

IS ALL OF "YOU" JUST WORTH A NEW HOUSE.
LADY, IS THAT YOUR SELFWORTH?
ARE YOU PUTTING A HOME AS YOUR FACE VALUE?

CAUSE IF THAT’S YOUR CASE YOU MAY JUST PUT YOUR PICTURE ON A PENNY AND TELL THE WORLD THATS WHAT YOU ARE WORTH. JUST PENNIES?

WHY BE A "DUMB ROCK" WHEN YOU TRULY ARE A GEM? AND TO THINK YOU CAN BE WORTH SO MUCH MORE.
YOU COULD BE PRICELESS!

SO, YOU ARE just two people trying to be “happy” with what "YOU" have to work with OR WHAT YOU HAVE $$$$$ FINANCIALY$$$$$ VALUED YOURSELF AT?

THAT’S SOME SHALLOW THINKING GIRL. DIG A LITTLE DEEPER...YOU MIGHT JUST FIND REAL GOLD!

NOT JUST THE FOOLS' GOLD YOU ARE CURRENTLY SETTLING FOR AND WEARING ON YOUR COMPROMISING FLESH.

THAT’S LIKE ME SAYING ...I WILL HAVE AN AFFAIR W/ EVERYONE WHOM DOES ME A FAVOR. I‘M JUST WONDERING HOW SILLY IS THAT?

THERE ARE SOME TRULY KIND PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHOM WILL HELP YOU JUST BECASE THEY TRULY CARE AND RESPECT YOU.

NOT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BUY YOUR LOVE AND A COUPLE OF STOLEN YEARS OF YOUR PRESIOUSE LIFE.WITH A STUPID HOUSE AND SOME POCKET MONEY.

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YA...CAUSE GIRL YOU NEED IT!

I JUST HOPE ONE DAY YOU CAN EXPERIANCE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FROM A TRUE MAN WHOM IS TRULY "KIND" AND TRULY LOVES AND VALUES “Y-O-U.”

SINCERLY,
MAY 25TH 2005

This is an answer to the widower posting

For what I see, you are just a piece of shit!! I am a married woman and I have been cheated, and that is the most awful thing you can ever experience, if you ask what is a big deal let me tell you…. If you want to feel like a latino lover and have a new conquer every time you think you are not satisfied with the same woman all the time why in the hell you get married just live your live the way you like it and do not ruin any body else’s life. First ,If you don’t care about diseases go for it die , but do not take with you innocent people. Let’s be honest when you are in the heat of the moment you forget about condoms and the entire protected sex thing, the only thing men want is relieve the urge!!! My husband used condoms and vola!! I got an STD, why? Because is not a bullet proof jacket idiot! You can get diseases just from oral sex; I bet you are not used to get those condoms for oral sex right? Then we go to the emotional part!! I can talk about my experience and what I feel right. My hole world has been broken into pieces, the image I had of my husband is gone and that hurts very much, especially when you think you have a perfect marriage and you do not see a sign of something out of place, I just had a baby and my husband travels a lot, I feel betrayed because I am here taking care of his baby thinking ohh he is working he will never do anything stupid!! Meantime my husband was having lots of fun going out and ended up having sex with one of the girls of that new circle of friends he developed during his travel. Things for me will never be the same !!! He broke my heart, took away all the wonderful memories and things we shared , he stole from me the sense of trust , I will never see him with the same respect.. See this is the big deal!!! My entire world has changed thanks to the stupidity and selfishness of a person.

I'm a divorced mother of two college-aged boys. I am in a live-in relationship with a man that I adore even though he is twice-divorced and cheated on both of his exes. In March, he asked me to marry him and shortly afterward I began to notice a change in his behavior. When I discovered that he was enrolled in numerous sexy websites soliciting sex, I was devastated. One of the women even imed me one evening when I was online. He swears he will never do it again and I want to believe him but know that the chances are slim. I truly believe that he loves me. Help!!!!!

Dear casapc:

Before you decide if you are going to marry this guy you have to trust him, if I were you I will get one of those spy software and find out what is he up to, honestly if he is devorced 2 for the same reason to me sounds he has a serious problem and chances are He will do it again, no matter what he tells you, seems he can not control himself.
Love has nothing to do with it, he can love you to pieces and still can cheat on you, trust me.

Gemini,
Are you talking about tammy?
If you are, I see your piont.
And if you are not, I see your point:)

i mustsay my wife has always asked me if i look at other woman she has never accused me of cheating,,,, i never have been tempted and it makes me so mad when she asks me things like di d you look at her because the answer is no i actually adore my wife who i am well aware other men swoon over in front of me which is disgusting ....and really i dont even notice these other women they dont interest me in the slightest,,, all these men going on about cheating,, temptation,, and hanging out at strip bars give all the other decent guys who dont act like this or think like this a bad name and we end up getting stick for there behaviour ,, im 26 and been with my wife since i was 20,, the only woman i ever have been with and can honestly say there is no temptation what so ever ,,,i really think all you cheaters should get a life you have no right to say all men are tempted or would cheat in a bad situation ....and if you survey a bunch of guys at a night club you rgoing to get different answers than if you asked outside a restaurant

Thanks Gemini. I've been doing a lot of research on this subject. I always felt that cheating was a sign of a problem in the relationship,but I'm realizing that is not always the case. As for spying on him, I guess I feel like if it comes to that point, there's no reason to stay together.

Why is it that a man thinks you are cheating if you don't want to have sex with him every night? My husband thinks this way and I don't understand it. I don't share the drive that he does and he thinks there is someone else during the week. Help!!!

I've been asking myself the same question lately because I have a friend who has barely been married a year and already he's being very sketchy about the things he is doing. I am quite observant and since I work with this guy, it's not easy to pull one over on me. Unfortunately his wife is a little less aware of what he's doing.

But he's the consumate flirt, and a mutual friend of ours even told me he was sending text messages to this girl we know -- often and as late as 2 AM. Now, I have no idea where his wife is during these times because frankly, she's got a leash (although apparently not long or tight enough!)

He receives (and sometimes ignores) many sketchy calls on his cell phone...he used to leave condoms at the office where we work...and I even randomly caught him having lunch with a woman even though he told me he was meeting a guy friend that we knew.

It's bugging me because I know for a fact he cheated on her when they were going out, and I guess I didn't believe the "Once a cheater, always a cheater thing" so when I stood up in his wedding I figured everything would be just fine after that. I guess I was wrong.

I suppose I just find it unbelievable that he doesn't realize the potential consequences of his actions. And it bugs me even more that they are urgently trying to start a family.

Why bring kids into this disaster waiting to happen!?!?!?

(this comment posted under Creative Commons license Attrib-ShareAlike-NonCommercial)

Why do people believe that "one spouse" is the only way to go? Why do people deny such a basic biological drive for purely puritanical, essentially scientifically indefensible position -- and then have the pure, unmitigated gall to try to force their positions on anyone and everyone else?

Oh, wait, I keep forgetting: religion. The belief that you are right, that you live your life (or at least that you try to live your life) the best way you can -- and never stop to think that what is best for you is not necessarily what is best for anyone else.

I have to wonder about all of those statistics that Men's Health and such spout -- "50% of all men have had an extramarital affair" and such. My own experience leads me to believe that that number is a lot higher, and that by 10 years into a marriage, one or both partners in almost any relationship will have had sexual congress with at least one person outside their relationship. BUT. Many of those occur with the knowledge and/or blessing of the partner. (And many of them occur with the partner involved.)

And I cannot help but see it as a good thing, when it is done in harmony. I cannot categorically state that my belief is that we should subliminate our biological needs and urges -- and I cannot categorically state that everyone should feel guilty over giving in to them. Looking back over time, we see the example of the Victorian era -- a time when pedophilia ran rampant, when women were trained not to have orgasms (but could go to a doctor for a genital massage to relieve "hysteria"), and when the condom was first introduced "to prevent numerous bastard offspring". A time when masturbation was cause for commitment to a mental asylum. A time when the core of society was rotten... even though on the surface it appeared prim and proper.

"But what about jealousy?" Jealousy is a sign and symptom that there is an emotional need that is not being met, and it's better to face it than to run away from it or prevent it from ever running its ugly face rampant across the hallowed halls of our homes. Ask yourself this: Have you ever wondered if your spouse was cheating on you -- perhaps because of a change of behavior, or a change of mood? Have you ever looked around for signs of that cheating that you're projecting onto your spouse?

If you're afraid of something, you should talk about it. If you're worried about something, you should bring it into the open, not sit on it. Spouses are there to support each other -- and to be a foundation upon which the children that our society needs in order to perpetuate itself can learn to live their lives. Can you show such love and caring if you're constantly worried? Can you honestly believe that your children won't see the fear, the uncertainty, the mistrust slowly start to build?

Why do so many men cheat on their spouses? (Well, honestly, I think you should call a spade a spade, and say it like this: "Why do so many men cheat on their wives?" Especially after the massive conservative movement to prevent men from ever being the spouses of other men.) I honestly don't know. But I can certainly tell you that the numbers are similar on the other side of the fence -- so why do so many women cheat on their spouses? (Er, again, it should be phrased "Why do so many women cheat on their husbands?") Is the drive to cheat a vengeance for a perceived, yet not conclusively proven, cheating from their spouse? Is it some biological drive to be nonmonogamous? Is it something else entirely? I honestly don't know.

But what I do know is this: It isn't cheating if it isn't against the rules. If you want to have sex outside of your marriage, talk about it first, and lay down some ground rules about what is and isn't acceptable. You don't have to bring your kids into it, and it's entirely possible they'll see their mom or dad getting jittery that first time... but in the end, when you come home, there will be relief there, and more trust than there was before. And shouldn't trust exist in all of our relationships?

-Kyle A Hamilton
Minister of the Church of Universal Life

Gemini,
I know how you feel because I hve experience the same thing twice. I'm with you, why would they want to ruin other lives because of their selfish acts. When something like this haapen it's hard to get over especially if you invested years into a relationship with someone you trust and then it can be broken into pieces in a blink of an eye. I know it's hard, but it some men out there that want the same thing you do. That's what I always tell myself.

Amen Kyle. I understand the emotion and intensity of feelings that surround such a touchy subject, but you're right, if you don't think of it as "cheating" or get past the idea that someone doesn't really love you if they want to have sex with someone else, many of these problems wouldn't exist.

It's true that many couples have very loving and supportive (but not sexual) relationships and are not burdened by jealousy. (Personally I would be more upset if my partner found someone s/he preferred to talk or laugh with than if I knew s/he were physically attracted to someone else!) Why shouldn't someone be able to have sex with someone else but not have that mean the end of the marriage? Jealousy, ego get in the way.

Yes, I sleep with a married man who has something of a "don't ask don't tell" relationship with his wife. Otherwise, they get along, are great parents and are of course, staying together for the kids. Neither of us thinks of it as cheating, it's an expression of our friendship.

How could this possibly be a negative thing?

I never expected to see so many rationalizations for cheating when I started this discussion thread, I must admit. It all seems easy and simple to me: if you have a relationship where from the very beginning there's been a clear understanding that there's no monogamy and that "faithful" refers to your love, not your actions, well, then it's cool. Otherwise, when one partner is cheating and rationalizing it as "we have an open relationship, as long as I don't mention it to my spouse', well, that's just cheating. And as I've said all along, I think that the foundation of any good relationship is open and honest communication.

all men cheat which is why all men suck

Food for thought:

I have been the one cheated on and I have been the "other woman" and neither is a good place to be in.

As the "other woman" there are numerous questions and points. Yes, why is it that the married men do not have the courage to address the issues in their marriage first or to even admit to the outside person that they are married?

On the flip side, you see all the media portrayals of the wives as victims with no role or responsibility with regards to their marital problems and that it is all the man's fault. That is not to say that having an affair is the appropriate way to address the problems, but you are kidding if you think you dont have a role in this too. It takes TWO people to make a marriage work.

Can you really sit here and say that you had no idea there were any problems or issues? You cant really be that oblivious. Denial is a wonderful thing. And it isnt always the other woman that pursued the relationship, so maybe you should direct your anger at the man who had disregarded your marriage and pursued me and BTW forgot to mention he was married for most of the relationship and because of the nature of my work, it didnt come into question for quite some time.

I understand that it takes a lot of work to raise kids and maintain a house. But the reality is, there is a reason they invented babysitters and your marriage is well worth the investment even if it is an indulgence. And the kids grow up, the mortgage gets paid and then that leaves the two of you and you owe it to yourselves to keep and sustain and maintain your relationship too. And I learned that lesson the hard way. Never again.
When my husband cheated on me, yes I was betrayed and hurt and felt victimized at first. And then I thought about what role I had in all of this and I couldnt say that I didnt have one too. I just didnt want to deal with it and didnt think this would happen.

And then these women find out that their husbands have been in an affair for well over a year if not more and in love with another woman, yet beg them to come home and work it out? While I appreciate that there may be kids involved, how can you ever really trust him? I know that I stayed and truth be told it was for the wrong reasons and no, I never trusted him. In hind sight, I can safely say that you deserve better than that. And when all of this has been gone for so long do you seriously think that you can revive it? Sometimes, rarely.

Now for the married man, how can he claim he is in love with the other woman yet go home and try to work it out? And yet he wont stop calling or stop trying to seeing you or lying to his wife about you. Is that love? And how can she be so oblivious when he tells her that he suddenly cuts off a relationship with a woman he was "in love with" and not be concerned? And if he really in theory loved you as the other woman, then why is he still there and why did he lie to you too? I sometimes think the only winners in this are the guys. Not always, but what could be better than having two women fighting for your "love"? If that isnt an ego boost what is?

There are many sides to all of the issues and we can all sit here and judge everybody, but as the old adage goes, "You cant judge a man until you walk in his shoes"

I just found out 4 days ago that my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me towards the end of the summer while I was home for a summer internship. They both claim that they "only" had sex a few times and that really it was nothing emotional. They were just dating. She did not even know I existed, so honestly, I can't be mad at her.

The thing I don't understand is that he had to walk his father to the house where his mother was cheating on his dad when he was 9 years old. One of the first things he said to me was "I promise, I will never cheat on you."

After seeing the pain he went though with his dad he said he never could do it. But yet he still did. He claims he didn't know what he was doing, it just happened etc.

I guess I just don't understand how he could flat out say to this woman... no, I don't have a girlfriend. I don't think I have totally comprehended all that is going on or has transpired in the past few days. Part of me deep down knows I deserve better. But we have three wonderful years of memories and I truly do love him. He loves me too... or so he claims... but how do I know his actions now are true?

I also thought they were true up until 5 days ago. I don't know if I trying to forgive because I know there are psychological issues involved here. It is obvious he has a fear of commitment. But is it even worth trying to salvage?

I know some people cheat and work through it and their relationships are better than ever... however, this is not the majority of experiences I have heard. He has agreed to couples counseling so I think that is a step in the right direction, but I think I need to figure out what I need.

Why am I even considering continuing this relationship with a man who cannot keep his promises before marriage? How do I know it will change? Will things ever feel right? How do I know it won't happen again? If we don't have trust then what do we have? How do people make it through things like this?

And then I can't help but think... when you spent the night over there did she nuzzle her head in the crook of your arm like I do? Did you feel warm and comforted? He claims that the minute he had sex with her he knew he should never do it again... but then did at least two more times? Why? Is it because like anything related to sex once you do it it is easier the second time?

And again the big question for the night... am I wasting my energy even trying to work this out? Is it worth it? Will we ever work?

I guess only God knows... I just wish he could give me a little clue... then again, maybe the cheating was. I mean... I know that there may have been problems... apparently, more than I thought, but when you are in a relationship rut, you don't go cheat... you work on them, and if you can't work... you get out/ break it off.

Oh, he also brought up the whole feeling pressured to get married. I am sorry, I have at least 3 more years of school left... therefore, any talk about marriage is just fun and not real as it won't be happening soon.

All I am saying is voice the concerns and work through them together, not on the side with some other woman... and again... am I crazy to still love him, believe him when he says he still loves me greatly and that I am included in his future plans?

Am I crazy for wanting to try and work through this?

Thanks for reading.

I recently found out that my husband of sixteen years has been cheating on me for the past year. Then, he decided to come completely clean and told me of four other affairs since the beginning of our marriage.

I was completley devasted. I have dedicated the past sixteen years of life to him. Everything that I do is for him and our children. I have put my own wants and needs aside for him. I have encouraged him to go out with his friends because he needs that time with them. I encouraged him and helped him though college. I have never asked for his help when I took off a few years to raise our kids, keep the house clean, and have his dinner ready for him when he got home. I never minded him going to strip clubs with his friends. I am open to having another woman with us in our sexual adventures.

I just do not understand why he had the affairs. He told me two of them was when he was out drinking with friends and the women approached him. But I cannot accept that it was because he was drinking. He knew what he was doing when he left the bar, paid for a hotel and purchased protection.

The more recent two affairs have been women he meet on the Internet. He claims they asked to meet with him. When I asked him if he was thinking about me when he had the affairs he said "yes". I asked him if he still felt love for me when he had the affairs he said "yes". I then asked why did he have the affairs knowing that he could lose me and all that we built together and he couldn't answer my questions.

I feel used and taken advantage of. I feel as though I may have been the cause for him to have the affairs, but he said it wasn't me it was him.

What more do I need to do to keep him faithful to me?

We seemingly had a great sixteen years of marriage that came with its ups and downs. How can I trust him now? What is a woman to do who has given her heart to someone who she thought was her soul mate? How do you stop loving someone who has meant so much? How would his image tarnish in our childrens' eyes if they ever found out? How could we teach them our society morals when he couldn't follow them?

Men do not understand the impact of an affair. Many believe it is just "sex" and it wouldn't hurt. My husband has been my world for so long that the hurt caused me to attempt suicide for I believe that I could not wake up the next morning and live with the knowledge that he hurt me so much. I then fell into a state of depression that I did not end the pain with my attempt. That I was lied to by the person I trusted the most. That little bit of pleasure for him has change our whole world. The man that I trusted with my love, my heart, my world and my life threw it away for a little pleasure with another woman.

I don't understand why he would hide this when I am bisexual and willing to have another woman with us. The hurt didn't just come from the affairs but the lies. Why? I trusted him. What more can I give of myself?

Forgiveness is the hardest thing a person can do. It takes a lot to repair the hurt that cut deep into my heart. I don't want to lose him, but I am afraid to trust him again.

He says he doesn't want me to leave, that he wants to rebuild our relationship.

Men need to learn to be open and honest with their wives because the hurt and pain that comes with distrust is hard. Through counseling, attending church and taken more time for ourselves to be together we are trying to repair the trust and build the forgiveness.

I wonder on a daily basis if I am doing the right thing. Am I saving our marriage for our childrens' sake? No. Children are adaptable.

I am doing this because he is my life, my world and my true love. He has my heart and I can't take it back. Not after all that we have built together. Can I forgive his faults? With time, I believe so. Can I trust him? No, not yet. He has to earn it back.

I hope my story here helps the many "cheaters" out their that little bit of pleasure that is just "sex" can damage more than their marriage, their kids but it can damage their wife. Yes, I still cry when I think about his affairs. I still wonder what I didn't do right. I still wonder if he will cheat again. I still wonder if the pain that I feel in my heart will ever go away.

I will not know what the future holds, but I hope that with time I can forgive him, trust him again, mend the pain and hurt in my heart and stop me from thinking that ending my life would have been a better choice.

I have read all the postings and really don't understand how all but two completely blame the man or the 'other woman' for the situation. It does take two to make a marriage work, just as it takes two to have an affair. I have seen it a million times; people get married, have children, and get comfortable - and I'm talking both men and women here. They assume they're settled and they suddenly forget that they are with a person who has needs and feelings.

How many of you who are married act the same as you did when you were dating? Go a little further to make sure things are special and that your partner is happy?

I have been married so I do know how easy it is to get complacent and think you don't need to go the extra mile any more simply because you are in a committed relationship. I have never been cheated on but I do have friends who have done it and I was the 'other woman' once, and those are the reasons they have given.

They loved their spouses, but felt in a sense that they had given up on them -- not doing things they once did or making the effort they had in the past. I'm not saying this excuses things but I agree completely when it was said there are signs that your partner is unhappy or unfulfilled.

I'm a psychologist who specializes in marriage/relationship counseling so I have seen it all, and I can think of only 3 times in my 10+ years of practice when there were no visible indicators that I could discern. Most of the time in my experience it all goes back to the complacency - simply not caring enough to recognize the signs, or as one poster said "denial is a beautiful thing".

There is a reason there are babysitters and books and videos on how to keep a sex life interesting, only the people I have dealt with didn't care enough to take the time to attempt to keep their marriage healthy and fresh.

Did you know that throughout their lifetimes 2 out of 5 men will engage in extramarital affairs and 1 out of 3 women?

Just wanted to throw that in since most of the posts have been man-bashing ones, but the truth is almost as many women do it as men.

Just some food for thought as people seek someone upon which to place the blame. Also always remember, by taking back a cheater you are telling them that their behavior is acceptable and that's another thing I have learned from my years of seeing broken marriages -- Once he/she cheats, he/she will almost certainly do it again...

I agree with that i mean why do men think that they can get away with cheating i mean some way some how that woman is going to find out and she will be really hurt. Im a woman myself and i know from the past that i have been cheated on and it hurts alot. When or if and man say's "i love you' they need to mean it. A woman is alot more emoions to deal with and we get hurt more so i think it is not fair for a man to cheat and other ment think that cool or what ever and when a woman dose it she is a whore why is that?

i am currently in a relationship with a married man. we love each other and both plan to see where this relationship takes us. neither of us were looking for someone it just happened. he does not discuss his wife with me nor do i ask any questions about her. i dont even know her name. i would not purposefully go looking for a married man just to steal him away from his wife but im not going to deny his and my happiness simply because they met first.

I feel the same way as Dissenting Cheater above ... I've been married for 7 years now, however, my relationship with my wife has steadily deteriorated over the last 3 1/2 years. Ever since our second child my wife claims she doesn't want to have sex anymore. At all. It changed her. So how fair is that? She has openly told me to go out and have affairs to get my sexual needs met. I have no desire to see other women. She is the love of my life, and the only woman I want. I don't want to pressure her, however it appears that she's already out. To get 'her way' recently she has started acting selfish and uncompassionate. I'm getting 'pushed out' and I'm wondering if 'cruel' is just around the corner. It seems to me that there are worse things than sexual cheating in a marriage ... In my view, being unfaithful is a metaphor, and it doesn't matter if its physical or emotional - it has to do with intimacy. Love is really not enough in a marriage these days, and if a promise is broken, it is really a statement about care. When there is a crisis of caring, and we can no longer trust that our partner will care for us, then who can we be intimate with?

I have young children and this is like a dagger through our family's heart. They're both innocent of all this, but will likely be the one's to get really hurt in the end. My wife claims 'she can't help her feelings'. This sounds to me like the many male respondent's above who profess they also 'couldn't help themselves' to the physical relationships that have tempted them. Is she being selfish and irresponsible, or am I just to accept that my sexual life is over at my young age? I am in physical pain lying beside her wanting more ... but, as she claims, the train has already left the station. I profoundly believe that men cheat because their needs are not being met, of one type or another. Any woman who thiks otherwise is fooling themselves. Men who are completely happy in their relationships don't cheat - they have the strength to resist temptation. Men who are on less sure ground, do not.

I just received an email yesterday from a guy I have been dating for a couple of weeks. The email was sent in reply to my Good Morning message,which, I had sent that morning. The reply was "DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE DEALING WITH A MARRIED MAN"???? I could'nt believe it! I replied "what?" then I sent another message stating " No I did'nt know and please don't distress over me. I am still in shock over this entire episode... How can someone so sweet and intelligent also be a "liar" and a "cheat". I am the biggest loser in this even though he called and spoke of apologies and the such...he even commented that he wanted to come and be with me. I feel like a fool but I would help him If I was truly asked. I spoke with him yesterday till he fell asleep and haven't heard from him at all today. How can I get through this? Obviously there is nothing here for me. How do you control the desire to be with the person who is the source of so much pain and dishonesty.

My ex-husband is caught up in a vicious circle of trying to live his life over and over and continues to make the same mistakes. I am wife #2. He is currently on wife #3 and she has 2 kids that live with them (Poor things) I know for a fact he is cheating on her too with the same woman who broke up his 1st marriage and ours. I can't blame her though, she is just as much a victim as we were. But I don't think she will ever figure it out! He calls she comes running. But he always seems to get married to someone else. Can't figure out how he justifys that to her and keeps her interested.

Wife #1 and I have compared notes. It is pretty amazing what we put up with with this guy. It is almost like the movie Groundhog day, every day you wake up and its the same thing over and over. I've come to the conclusion he will never get it right! With every new wife the cycle begins again, the stalking the threats the harrassment we've all gone through this to fight for our husband with this woman, which reminds me of another movie! All of his lies, the all nighters he has pulled the drinking the emotional abuse that we are just imagining that he is having an affair.

In a nutshell he is a self centered loud obnoxious rude crude and socially unacceptable person who thinks everyone admires him. Neither one of us can remember what we ever saw in him. We both have children by him. She wasn't so lucky, she didn't have the emotional strength or finances to fight him during the divorce. He was given custody of the 2 kids and he did everything he could to alienate them from their mother. Big Mistake! The kids now 15 & 17 resent him and now he wants nothing to do with them. The kids live with their mother now and he refuses to help with support. I on the other hand had a good attorney. He just has visitation. My child has her Dad pretty well figured out and can manipulate him quite well. But he really doesn't have a clue about what being a good parent is all about.

Did I mention he was narcisistic? The whole world must center around his wants and needs. He is perfect. During family counseling, it was his opinion the kids were the ones that were screwed up and he refused to take any blame or admit he was the one who needed help. That is when the counselor took me aside and said, "he is hopeless, move on with your life, he won't change and you can't live like this and neither can your child."

So I decided there was no way he would get the best of me. Don't get me wrong it was a very painful and emotional time. But after the counselor told me about a dozen times it wasn't my fault, I took control and when I left him I made some business contacts and started a new company that is in neck and neck competition with his. It drives him nuts!!! Three years running I've worked my fanny off and it is paying off not only financially but has been a great help during my healing process.

He runs off on all his vacations with his new wife who is totally clueless and I'm just here working and taking care of our daughter and watching his business go slowly down the tubes! Sweet revenge my way!

Words of advice.

If you are going to cheat, don't get married and if you do get married do not have kids they are the ones who you will hurt the worst!

Single or married women don't fall for a married man. Think about it! You wouldn't want it to happen to you. If he will cheat with you he'll cheat on you. Goes for the other way around too!

I've cheated a lot. What is a lot? How about ten women in the last eight years? And, three of those relationships were long term.

In the beginning of my marriage I did not cheat. After my children were born I continued not to cheat for 16 years! Now that is amazing! Not really, I just had my priorities straight. My children always come first, especially when they were young.

Most men AND women who really believe they can get away with it cheat. I've been around and I know. Trust me, this is true.

Why do I cheat? Sex with the same person over a long period of time becomes stale. It's very exciting and great for one's self-esteem to have many lovers!

Many lovers, but ONLY one wife.

No lover will ever replace my wife. She is the mother of my children and I will always be loyal to her in every respect except sex. Even though I love others I will not leave my wife, as she is a key foundation of my life, which I respect.

We are not designed to be sexually monogamous. Healthy people with healthy sex drives know this within their hearts.

Yes, men and women cheat. Men and women have always cheated and will always cheat in the future. Having multiple sex partners is the natural way of life even within the animal kingdom.

People who claim that they do not cheat are liars, possess a low sex drive or are religious nuts.

Women cry out the most when they've been cheated on, so the perception is that it's the men who are doing all the cheating. In my experience, women actually cheat more than men do. They are just better at keeping their relationships discreet. And, of course men will not typically cry on each other's shoulders if their wife cheats, so a cheating wife situation tends to stay discreet.

Others may argue my point of view, but I am absolutely right because I've experienced it all…long periods of monogamy and long periods of infidelity. Infidelity feels so much better and natural.

Bill had written: " Infidelity feels so much better and natural"

It's amusing (and sad) to see how, in this day and age, many people conflate "what feels good" with what is right. As I had written above, if there is no such thing as objective morality, then "whatever feels good" is right. So, if the Columbine kids who shot their classmates did so because it felt good, does it make their actions "right"? Infidelity is also called adultery, also known as fornication. Those are words you hardly hear used nowadays, but let's call a spade a spade.

Victor is equating infidelity to the Columbine shootings??? Actually, he may have a point here…Sometimes when I haven't banged anyone in a long time my frustration level causes me to "bang" people at random with my other "gun."…Smile. You're a real intellectual comedian there Victor.

Victor also states, "Infidelity is also called adultery, also known as fornication. Those are words you hardly hear used nowadays, but let's call a spade a spade."

Well, yes Victor, those words (adultery and fornication) are used in that "fairy tale" book that you probably carry around. With your head buried in the book, you may not have noticed that your significant other is getting busy elsewhere. It's guys like you who just never get a clue.

In my previous post I stated, "People who claim that they do not cheat are liars, possess a low sex drive or are religious nuts." Which category do you people believe Victor falls into? I'll give you a clue: (adultery and fornication) Easy huh?

And, in case you're wondering, yes, Victor is in all likelihood a big Bush supporter who lives in a southern state and probably prays with live poisonous snakes dangling from his hands on Sundays.

It's too bad that Victor was born in the wrong century. Imagine the fun-filled life he could have lived in the 1700s burning "witches" at the stake for their "evil-doin's."

Folks, men and women have always cheated and always will cheat. It's biologically normal, natural and healthy.

Bill, I'm not American, I don't live in the U.S., I don't support Mr Bush, and the fairy tale book of which you speak has had a far greater influence on the history of Western civilization than your addled libertine mind cares to admit.

When you say "Folks, men and women have always cheated and always will cheat" you are certainly describing the common predicament of all mankind, but also merely one facet of its existence. Nothing new there. Now, when you assert "It's biologically normal, natural and healthy" you commit the error of elevating what is subjectively true for yourself to an objectively universal standard -- an obvious case of secular fundamentalism if there ever was one.

If there is no such thing as objective morality, it hardly matters that your arguments are specious, and you should not feel offended in the slightest if I point this out. If you consider monogamy to be an aberration, perhaps you should be a Mormon or a Muslim, I've heard that they allow for multiple spouses.

Victor,

Sometimes a person doesn't know whom they are dealing with, especially on the Internet…

You told me that you do not live in the USA, so I looked up your last name in a search engine to determine your ethnicity. Boy, did I get a wakeup call!

You are a very impressive guy in many aspects. You have excelled in many areas of life. And, our lives are paralleled in many ways that surprised me very much. The one thing I can tell you is that we have much more in common that you might imagine.

After viewing your family photos I came to realize that you are now in a place that I was in 10 years ago, which makes sense because I am 10 years older than you.

When my children were the age of your children, I was their protector and they were my world, including my wife. And, during those very special years I never strayed once because my family was my priority. My family is still my priority, but my children are now young adults themselves, so they don't require my presence as before. My wife is also a priority due to the fact that she is the mother of my children and no lover can replace her.

I apologize for being rude and silly in my post to you. You are doing all the right things in your life. Your priorities are certainly in order. You have a great family and extended family. I could feel it when looking at your photos.

When I have a chance I'll send you a personal email to share in the similarities/parallels of our lives. It is rather amazing.

Take care. You are a good and decent man.

Sincerely,
Bill

Cheating is called "cheating" for a reason. The definition of cheating is "the act of deceiving." You are deceiving not only your spouse, but yourself as well. If you make a commitment to someone, you are committing your love, your life, your honesty and your loyalty to that person. If you need to spice up your sex life because one woman is not enough for you then you need to be honest to your spouse and tell them your needs or you should not have married. Honesty is plays a big role in any relationship. How can you be trusted with any topic if you are dishonest about the one that is a life altering change to two peoples lives?

to all who think that waiting until the kids are old enough to handle a divorce is best I have one question? When is that. My parents were divorced do to my dads infidelity when I was already married with 2 kids of my own. It was traumatizing even then. I began to doubt all that I had been taught and all that I thought was real. No time is a good time. Divorce is traumatic for the entire family whenever it happens. Infidelity and divore creates a ripple effect that touches people all around you. Even people you would not have thought of.

I've cheated on my wife in the past. I"m planning on cheating on my wife in the near future. I love her to death, but I want to do these hurtful destructive things, and feel unable to control my self. Whats wrong with me. Why can't I just be good?

Relax. You are fighting nature and the natural way of things. There is nothing wrong with you and you are still a good person.

All healthy males and most females lust for others. Some people who are very stubborn can suppress these urges, sometimes even for long periods of time. But, suppressing of such strong feelings can result in a host of physical and emotional problems in the long run.

You already know that when you do it you feel good. However, you are allowing yourself to suffer psychologically later as a result of unrealistic societal induced Puritanical values. Such "values" from the Victorian era are unhealthy to the mind and body; therefore they are valueless to the enlightened mind.

Love your wife and never leave her for your sideline adventures. People who make that mistake regret it. Enjoy your adventures, but take every precaution imaginable to keep her from finding out. If you love her you should never tell her of the other relationships because that would hurt her. And, what you do on the side isn't about her at all anyway. It's about you.

Don't cheat if you are going to be psychologically wounded afterwards. It's important to work out any negative emotional issues beforehand.

I learned of my husband's cheating early this year. He apologized and said that it was just his immaturity and would never let it happen again. It's the most painful thing I have ever felt, and is still feeling up to now. One thing I have learned, though, is that I cannot really trust anyone but myself. That cheating destroyed my ego and it really affected my work. I told him that it would be best for us to just split up since things will never be the same again, but he didnt want to. He repeatedly asked for forgiveness and wanted me to give him another just to prove that he's going to be the best person he can be, for me and our 2 kids. I'm holding on to that now, and praying that things will get better. I can see he's trying to fulfill his promise but honestly, I don't trust him anymore. If there's anything that I need to work on now, its myself and how I can be less dependent on him. I am trying to picture myself as someone who can just go on with her life with or without a man. That's probably my fault, I depended on him too much and trusted him that he will not do such things; but then again, reality bites - real hard!

february

Why do men Cheat? No one on this blog has actually answered the question at hand. You would think that a person who has just lost everything thanks to Hurricane Katrina, would not be on this website looking for answers to that question, but here I am. I have been with this man for over 13 years, we have raised two beautiful daughters and are now surviving a very tragic natural disaster.

But that is not the worst part, the worst part is finally getting back onto the Internet and finding emails from another woman. Imagine that suprise. Anyone have an answer or update for that one?? If someone out there can top this let me know. I lost my home and my relationship all in one swoop of a storm, and I did not see it coming, cause he was so good at hiding all the evidence. Trust me I felt the change in the winds way before he even swayed her way.

Tonight I even confonted him via the phone and he sounded suprised and denied everything. But once you see it in black and white you know it has to be true in some aspect. We have been separated since the storm ( living in two different states) I wishe I never found the email, but I did and she ( the other woman) even sent a digital greeting card. My soon to be ex said he had no idea what I m talking about and she must be nuts. Well if she is nuts then so am I, you do not need to be a genius to figure out men cheat when it is convient for them and they won' get caught.

As soon as you do the lies contiue ( they like to say what they think you want to hear) Only thing I need to know is once a cheater always a cheater, You won't change, your relationships will all be based on lies that benefit yourself. You have to love and respect yourself before you can get into a relationship. I love myself enough to know that I can do better on my own than being in a felationship that will only make me sick.

Men cheat because
1) an opportunity to screw someone more attractive than their old aging fat wife arises
2) their genes made them that way

The concept of cheating is created by the society we live in just like society says we should eat 3 meals a day. What if we lived in another society that says (due to shortage in foot available for the population) we should eat only once a day. Most people grow up beliving that value and will abide, but for some people they will get hungry and when they see food lying around, they will eat it when no one's looking. The society's rules weren't enough to satisfy the natural instincts. The current rule on monogamy was put in place to protect families. But more and more now our society is becoming somethign found in Huxley's Brave New World where there are no families, children are born from test tubes, and sex is used just for pleasure not for reproduction.

Men cheat because
1) an opportunity to screw someone more attractive than their old aging fat wife arises
2) their genes made them that way

The concept of cheating is created by the society we live in just like society says we should eat 3 meals a day. What if we lived in another society that says (due to shortage in foot available for the population) we should eat only once a day. Most people grow up beliving that value and will abide, but for some people they will get hungry and when they see food lying around, they will eat it when no one's looking. The society's rules weren't enough to satisfy the natural instincts. The current rule on monogamy was put in place to protect families. But more and more now our society is becoming somethign found in Huxley's Brave New World where there are no families, children are born from test tubes, and sex is used just for pleasure not for reproduction.

The title of this blog, "Why do so many men cheat on their spouses" is and of itself curious. Curious to me because in my experience women cheat as often as men and in some cases, much more.

It seems that a more appropriate title would be "Why do so many people cheat on their spouses?"

"Cheating," though natural, is almost always devastatingly painful to a spouse when it's exposed. But, there are lots of painful experiences in life and we never understand why they need to be painful. Think about it. Why does childbirth need to be so painful? After all, it's natural. It's a mystery and life is full of mysteries.

A basic problem is that this natural behavior is defined by the word "cheating." No wonder it packs such a negative connotation in some people's minds.

Bill the aspect that you cheat must bother you or you wouldn't be on this blog trying to justify why you are such a pig!

Oh no, above poster, you've misread me. I'm here to enlighten the masses.

The natural way of things regarding sexual behavior is akin to let's say...belching or farting. These things are completely natural and normal, but if either occurs in a group of people it becomes a negative event. Especially the farting! But, oh how good it feels to the person conducting these sounds! Who would want to stifle these natural things? Well, maybe you should wait until you're not in a crowd :)

Natural and normal activities such as "cheating" are good things for the individual, but not always to a "violated" spouse who feels victimized due to abnormal and unrealistic beliefs about love, sex, religion or life in general.

You called me "Pig." Well that's certainly a strange statement. After all pigs are natural too! Leave the pigs alone!

Let me guess. You've been burnt. Well then, you have a right to feel "victimized" as long as this status doesn't exceed the time frame of a woman who undergoes childbirth who feels "victimized" due to her agonizing pain.

Yes, one pain is physical and the other is psychological, but my argument would be that even psychological pain is rooted in the physical. (That's a whole other debate)

It's natural and normal to feel betrayed and victimized by a (there's that nasty, inadequate word again) "cheating" spouse, especially if you hold onto silly notions about love, sex, marriage and human behavior.

Signed,
Pig

This subject is very close to me..My wife cheated on me and left me for the other guy...I do not believe we men are "wired" to cheat as some men suggest or its in our blood to mate with as many women as possible..Thats a bunch of crap!! After all, the bible clearly says that "Each man should have his own wife and each women her own husband..The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband and in the same way the husbands body belongs to his wife"

So tell me boys, where does it say anywhere we men are suppose to screw as many women as we can?

Bill,

I will quote you, No lover will ever replace my wife. She is the mother of my children and I will always be loyal to her in every respect except sex. Even though I love others I will not leave my wife, as she is a key foundation of my life, which I respect.

How can you say that you respect her when you go out and have sex with other women? Unless she feels that it is OK with her that you do that. So are you saying you are using your wife to take care of the foundation of your life, to take care of your children, cook your meals, wash your clothes, keep your house. Are those all the things you expect from her yet deny her of your fidelity? How do you think she would feel if she knew? Hurt? Betrayed? How selfish can one human being be? You said you would never leave your wife but but if she left you?

You seems to have an understanding of what cheating can do to a person emotionally so why would you want to take a chance of her finding out someday? I think you need to find GOD

My wife and I have been married for 30 years. I've cheated on her five times. The first two, 20 years ago she still does not know. The second two she knows about. And the one I'm currently in she knows nothing about.

My wife loves me to death...obligatory love I call it. In others words, she does not choose to love me...she feels she must love me. If she came home and found me in our house in our bed with five women, she would probably not leav. Hurt yes, leave no. Her love smothers me.

We have been to four different marriage conselors over the years. I'm counseled out...no more counseling. They say that one reason a spouse cheats is because they are not getting their emotional needs met. Could be true and most likely is.

When a spouse does NOT cheat it's because they have no desire to. The other person is meeting their needs and keeping them focused on them. The desire to cheat dies a natural death. That is the trick for a non-cheating relationship.

A question: do you believe there a major qualitative difference between someone who isn't married and has no kids, but lives with a girlfriend, cheating on that girlfriend and someone who is married cheating on his wife?

There are a lot of issues here, as the many comments show. Marriage really comes down to what two people agree on. If it's ok with your spouse for you to have sex with other people, then that's not a problem.

But the problem we're assuming here is that it's not ok with your spouse. If that's the case, then from a moral standpoint, you shouldn't cheat. But this is not an ideal world, and it's quite remarkable what your brain will do to justify your behavior.

Many times, if someone is unhappy in their marriage, then they begin to dislike their spouse, regardless of whose fault it is. They resent their spouse. So when they meet someone who can make them happy, either momentarily or long-term, then it's not a moral problem for them because they don't even like the person they're cheating on.

And of course there are people who really aren't concerned about their spouse's feelings, so they just do what they want and try not to get caught. You can say these people are immoral and worthless, but that doesn't change the facts.

As far as biological needs, sure they exist. But humans are capable of resisting biological urges. It just comes down to what you consider more important - your biological needs at the moment or the trust and happiness of your spouse.

I'm not saying any of this to justify cheating because I really don't think anyone should hurt the person they married. But the fact is we live in a world with lots of different kinds of people, and it's easy to lie to yourself to justify your actions when you do things that conflict with your ethics (or even the ethics of those around you).

When judgment and condemnation is applied to situations we do not understand, are we seeking enlightenment, or to justify our ignorance?

I find it truly startling to see such harsh words of condemnation regarding "others". Is this how we separate ourselves into the "good" and the "bad", so that we are able to label, name and otherwise hurt, if only with words, those that fall into the latter category. Do our words not cause harm to others? Ah, but then again, can we easily justify our position so that our very own words and actions can be excused from the harm they cause?

So, if the actions of the ones called "cheaters" are causing pain to others that is unacknowledged by the individual, what hope can we have of understanding if we ourselves cause unacknowledged pain?

I believe the answer is that we are all wounded, and our inability to see and acknowledge our wounds creates pain in others external to us. And I believe we are called to heal our wounds and thus the external pain we inflict on others.

For those that feel some resonance, Eckhart Tolle and The Power of Now have helped me greatly.

I am also the other woman, I met a wonderful man, we talked of living together, marriage and children....I recently bacame pregnant and called him to tell him the news, instead of getting him on the phone a woman answered and said she was his wife...I hung up the phone, the next day I receieved a call from this man, he was furious, he went on to tell me I had ruined his life, put him in a very bad position and that he would now lose everything he owned.
I had no idea that this man was married, he filled my head with false hopes, they were all lies, now I have a child on the way and this man refuses to speak with me, he is a selfish liar, who took the affair as far as he could, which was until he was caught.
I feel like I was the one who was disespected, he had no right to come into my life, my life has been turned upside down, and for what, so this man could satisfy his own selfish needs.
A man who cheats on his wife is a selfish, untrustworthy liar, it was one thing to bring me into this, but also another to bring a child into it.

Sorry to hear about that Kelly. Unfortunately many men have midlife crisis where they are unable to accept their age and look to a younger woman as some sort of validation (false) that they are still some kind of stud.

Then reality hits when the wife finds out and they realize it wasn't worth it.

I admire woman who work through this husbands that have only errored once. If you do it more than once then you just don't have the ability to be faithful.

The blame goes fully to the person doing the cheating but let's not diminish society's part in making sex "sexy"......all the show and advertisements push it all over us.

My husband had an affair for over a year with a woman 20 years younger who has 2 children 5 & 6 and is still married but in the process of a divorce. Her husband lives with a woman who gave birth to his son 1 & 1/2 yrs ago.

My husbands paramour happens to be his sister-in-laws sister. The family knew of this affair all along and I was reaching out to them continually because of my husbands bizarre behavior.

They lied over and over to me again.

My husband shut me and my two sons out age 16 & 17. He wouldn't participate with the family anymore and slept on the couch no matter how hard I pleaded for him to come to bed. He answered my questions while walking anyway and mumbled under his breath and I could never hear him or decipher his reply when I would say I didn't hear you he would shout at me. When I tried speaking with him he would say Go away and leave me alone.

I was horrified. I thought he had lost his mind and I was so worried. He tortured me and my sons until I received a Letter from an attorney that he hired for divorce, I had ten days to hire my own attorney.

His family hid the affair from me until three months after the preliminary hearing, I was without support for four months and carry nearly 40K on credit cards of marital debt & attorney fees. I have a high school diploma and he has a masters degree which I paid for only he has not given me a chance to get on me feet all he does is knock me down.

On top of it his paramour calls me continually and threatens my life saying she wants to kill me to get rid of me so my husband does not have to pay support and harasses me by repeating what my husband has told her. She tells me he never wanted me, that he never loved me, never wanted the children, never wanted our home. That they are in love and are getting married after the divorce, moving out of state and having more children. She is 27 he is 45, she is family related I am heart broken beyond repair.

I had two nervous break downs, one panic attack had to be on antidepressants & sedatives. My life was ripped apart. I lost 3/4 of my hair which was beautiful, I lost almost two years of my life. I did not leave my house or go anywhere, I was shattered. She called me one day 17 times which put me in bed for the day.

Finding out that people who were your family, members that you loved that you helped lied to you when you were begging for help.

Still to this day my husband cannot come clean and have a conversation with me without leading to my frustration, he doesn't answer questions he leaves me in the dark. He takes her everywhere and she likes to call and leave messages about their wonderful times together with his replacement family they travel around in our family van she replaced me and her children replaced our sons.

He was supporting her with the support he kept from me. Right after the court order for support the phone calls intensified. Everything I loved, everything that was my life no longer existed. I lost trust, I lost hope, I lost faith. I cried more in one year then I have in my entire life.

Divorce is one thing, but there are ways to go about it and to have a person suffer as much as I and my two sons have goes beyond all that is decent in life. His paramour enjoys telling me about their life together, and how happy they are. I am still married but at the final stage and wish it to be over already.

I can no longer handle the paper work involved, the Attorneys or the Judge, the whole process is draining, I want to live again and I want them both out of my life.

My husband looks horrible, but yet I hear he is in love and happy only I know him better than most, he is not the man I knew, he has changed into someone who is empty of emotions. His family says when they see them together that they don't look like they are in love there is no glow.

Most of his family members either shut him out or lost respect for him, they say he has issues and you are better off without him. He behaves sort of like a mannequin, he is there in form but devoid of emotion. I just started to clear my mind and heart and get out into the world, I have an intense emotional support line from my friends & my family.

I would have sought professional help but I could not afford it as he cut me off financially until the judge placed a support order. I had to rely on others and my inner strength which was hard to scrape up, but I found some of it and I am not letting it go. I had hated the woman I became, and I mourned the woman I was and her lost spirit. She was happy, telling jokes, singing, dancing, giving, caring, doing for others, cooking incredible meals for her family, she raised a principle list son and an honor roll son, she taught religion for six years.

I gave to many who needed a friend, I am called an angel by many as I was there when their life was falling apart. I took a beating that goes beyond anyone's imagination one I did not deserve no human being deserves being treated this way, my pain was their gain.

The more they hurt me the more they felt strong. They laughed together while reading my emails of my feelings although I did not know until afterwards when his paramour called me. I don't answer blocked calls or numbers I do not know. I don't have peace in my own home, I ripped the telephones out as that was the pathway they used to hurt me. Only I placed them back several days later.

I weaned off the prescription medication against my doctors wishes. I told him I want "Me" back and my eyes filled with tears!! I want to be the woman I was. I am getting there it has taken time but I am getting stronger and have had a straight good week out of nearly two years of mental abuse.

So if you men think that this is the way to treat your wife of 20 years, the mother of your children, the woman who took care of you. Your clothes that was purchased by her, the meals that she cooked, all done for your convenience. You got up showered for work, there was clean towels and toiletries, there was dinner when you arrived home, your children were well fed and taken care of.

They excelled in school, your wife involved herself in their activities religion, sports etc... Then you justify turning around and becoming a practiced liar, using your wife's trust to hide an affair that has disgraced us all. Ripping apart an entire family line that was close with lies.

I moved on by realizing the man I loved, who was my husband is dead. The man I knew is gone and has been replaced by a stranger I no longer know him nor do I like what he has become, our communication line has been severed, our life tainted. Hiding the affair by him and family for over a year made way for them to get into a deep relationship and took away any chance I had in saving my marriage, with that understood.

The only solution is to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and move on. I don't know how that man sleeps at night? I don't care if he never gets a good nights sleep ever again it would be a small price to pay for the hurt and pain he inflicted on many for his own selfish gains, he makes his bed now literally, he must sleep in it!

I am appauled at some of the post that I have read from self cenerted self serving men.
There is no way you can justify or any excuse for cheating on your wife. Get out of your marriage if you want to lay down with another. If this sets an example that may lead some of your loved ones to hell is it worth it?
This is the 7th commandment from God
You need to listen to what our Lord says about this. Read Ephesians 5:25, Galatians 5:19 and Proverbs 6:32. Repent of your sins and turn to the Lord.

Does anyone think that maybe because of the society we live in today, we are encouraged to cheat? A lot of people say how bad it is, but do they really mean it? It is so common, that maybe some spouses don't really get how wrong it is. No one said it was easy to stay faithful to your spouse, but it is very possible. I mean, how much easier is it to succomb to temptation, than to resist it? If men or women can't do it, then do not commit to a lifetime promise of marriage. I think instead of making excuses for ourselves, we should just take resposibility.

Okay, so you men that claim to have too much testosterone saying you ache to have sex with as many woman as possible in order to feel like you're fulfilling your male role in this world by doing so... I have to ask, Where does that leave your children that get left behind in your struggling fit for cheating in your minds?!

I will tell you where... broken home, broken beliefs, broken lives and broken hearted!

And if you think your child suport makes up for the "fatherly" moral suport and guidence they need along with "family stability" from a father than I think you have more than just "testosterone issues". I am thinking more of a selfishness issue and lack of responsibility to the lives you help to create!

Oh and, Mr. Pig?,

Pain of the heart is not just psychological, it is also physical and literally "of the heart". If you actually had a heart, you too would know how a "true heartbreak" feels instead of going around breaking them.

One last thing,

In my opinion, you people that say you're unhappy with your "Loving Faithful Spouse", are just cowards and cop-outs and do not know what true love is.
It is not that you don't love your spouce, it is that you don't love your self and if you don't love your self, than "love it self" does not and might never exist in your life.

I feel for those that are faithful and know how to love.
God Bless You All

Like any subject in this world, you have the people 'for it' or 'agin it'. It is very interesting to read the intense opposing opinions on this subject. It appears that, the person who wants and does cheat and hasn't been caught yet, ie: no personal pain, loss, heartbreak are for cheating on their spouse, which really includes their family, and the person who has been victimized by a cheater is desperately trying to pull their life and the life of their children together to cope and go on. So..you have the carefree cheater, "I do what I wanna do..." who hasn't been caught (but would undoubtedly go ballistic if he found out his wife was doing the same), and the struggling anti-cheater and/or victim of cheater, "I'm trying to get my life back". Then why don't all the cheaters hang out and get married, and all the decent non-cheaters hang out and get married? A new club....

I agree Toki... This is such a controversal world regardless. "A Cheaters Club" and "Club Faithful" would defenitly put things in perspective and might even out the odds of one to find what they are looking for in life instead of, well, "The Mixed Match club" and/or "Club Heartbreak". But it all boils down to self control and self wants. The devil on one shoulder and an Angel on the other. Should I or should I not? We all learn from our mistakes, the inocent learn something out of heartache and the children grow stronger, rebelious, full of rage and less trusting but stronger. Some day even the bad realize there mistakes and ask for forgiveness, rather it be in this life or the next, or, on their death bed.
Free Will seperates the good from from the bad I supose.

I am a married man and I have cheated on my wife. I am going to be honest with you, I love my wife to death and I dont want to give her up at all; unfortunately, after having our second child, her sexual drive dropped from 10 to a 2.

I cheated on my wife for sex. Now, Im not going to agree or disagree with anyone saying Im guilty or Im not guilty about my vow-breaking habits. I love sex and I wished my wife would love sex more often then she does, but unfortunately it has not happened. I cheated on my wife for the very thing that does drive men to the brink of insanity because it is in our blood, in our genetic coding, and above all human nature. Its wrong what I did, but the sexual tension was so high and my love for my wife great, that I had to do something. Unfortunately, again it is bad. I know. I could not help my self. Im not happy sexually but I am happy with my wife. Noone in this column can tell me that sex is not everything, it is. Sex is the reason why we get married, sex is the very nature of us and the reason why this earth is populated so much. God has even told us to be fruitful and multiply (not in the sense of cheating though). We are sexual beings and it is what makes our servival great.

I just wish I could really understand why I had done it though on my part.

Now, I want people to truly understand that it is not just "Well, if you loved her so much, you wouldnt have cheated on her..." it is not black and white, it is every colour of the rainbow. So, the single mom needs to be in everyones' shoes and not just in her own.

True, but if she knew that you were on the brink of cheating, wouldn't she have had the opportunity to at least try to do something about it? Maybe she'd take a good hard look at how important sex is to you and make a real effort to be what you want? Maybe couples' therapy could spice up the old love life? Even with a job you get warned before they can you; it's only fair. I dunno, just a thought.

Oh, I did forget to add... about this whole "biological need to spread the seed" thing. You would think that with the use of birth control for the last several decades, that evolution would have kind of nixed that whole need that stems back from the bible, when, if you had sex, you had a baby. If that were the case these days, MY GOODNESS!! The whole evolution theory is valid... consider the high level of infertility these days. Possibly a direct result of: a) women who should be home raising children are now working and as stressed as men, b) people are having so much more sex, that the quality of the reproductive functions has been compromised (sex for pleasure rather than the old-fashioned sex for procreation), c) women now use birth control until they are "ready" for a child, then when they are "ready", they are unable to conceive. Hmmm. Could be a sign that this isn't how God had intended it. So, all you men that love to fall back on the whole, "It's not my fault, my entire gender was constructed to spread their seed"... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Although some women may disagree, I feel as though men have evolved, if only a little bit, from the "caveman days". And by the way, we were created to conceive a child when we fornicate for a reason. Maybe to force us to be responsible, to know that there are consequences for our actions. But now that we can control whether or not we have a child, men have it better than ever before. They can be with their wives 3 times a day without having to worry about having 25 kids before their 40th birthday. Try some restraint man.

I want to apologize for my rant. I have no room to talk, as I am on birth control. I have one child, and had 2 miscarriages. My husband can't go through that again, so birth control it is. Oh, and my husband "needs" it all the time and gets it only about 10-12 times a week, because after a long day of entertaining a 2 year old and watching the same episode of Barney and Thomas 10 times a day, I'm not necessarily in the mood. The little guy is worth it to both of us though, and my husband wouldn't trade him for all the sex in the world.

how can you trust a man who will lie to you about the little things that are not important? I think the hurt comes from the lie part of the deal,sure the truth might be painfull sometimes for alot of us.How can you possibly trust the very same person who is telling you not to trust your gut feelings, by telling you that your crazy? I almost always find myself looking for shelter or some place to hide.As a woman Im torn all the time, wanting to believe in my hero when he says ill never hurt you ,like so many have in the past.if Ive learned not to trust my feelings than how do I know that he is telling the truth? My heart cant take it anymore for fear of it blowing up into a million pieces.Im in