Wow Dave so many emotions were raised by this post as it swept me back to the time of my own divorce now more than 10 years ago. I think there are some fundamental differences between women and men and the meaning of rings and other parts of the emotional roller coaster we like to call divorce.

To my mind I think it has a lot to do with who initiates the separation and divorce. Perhaps Linda went down the path of her own emotion and when it was "time" she took it off. You on the other hand, being a male and not as tied to the emotion, decided that the contract was over and the ring was a part of that contract. I have actually heard of women wearing a wedding ring because of the protection it affords, not being hit on by every guy at the bar.

What did I do with my ring? I gave it back to her. She bought it for me and I decided she should have it to do with it what she wanted. There was talk at one point that the rings are assets to the marriage and should be split as any other piece of marital property.

I dunno.. I'm still married.. my wife's ring was taken of over a year ago to be repaired.. it's still off.. seems like the kids and house have a higher priority.. Now.. we do need to put us higher on the priority list.. but the ring seems trivial to us... but that's just us.. I'm sure there's another symbol that we'd cling to.

The thing that sticks in my brain after reading this... well.. is that you both were clinging to the symbol of marriage.. and.. well.. you both sound very civil to each other.. which leads me to wonder if you just need more time apart.

Attachment parenting can lead to Helicopter Parenting.. which means all the energy of the adults gets sucked into the kids... which means the adults suffer.. and adults without energy tend to strike out at other adults (spouses) that seem to want energy from them.. energy that is long gone into the kids...

Anyway.. I'm sure you don't need outsiders dredging stuff up.. but.. I suppose in my defense.. if it's there to be dredged up.. then it still needs going through eventually..

It just gets so hard to sort out feelings surrounding the kids and how they relate to spouses..

Just know that you both are good people... stuff happens. Life is goes on .. and Life is good.

Poignant post, Dave. Being in the process of gradually getting unmarried (more gradually than you), I can relate.

In my case, my husband stopped wearing his ring years ago because he'd lost weight and it kept falling off, and he never got it resized. After he moved out in 2006, I took mine off even though at that point we were still trying to figure out how to make the marriage work, and the indentation remained on my finger nearly a year. Coincidentally, about the time I noticed the indentation was finally completely gone, I decided that we should probably start to figure out how to end our marriage, since even though we were (and are) getting along much better we aren't getting any closer in the way I'd need from a marriage.

But we're not particularly attached to symbols; some people are. I think the more power and emotion you vest in a symbol of any kind, the harder it is to let it go.

I think, if a couple is trying to come apart calmly and well, it helps to talk these things over instead of just surprising someone with a suddenly missing symbol. That won't necessarily make it not hurt, but at least you're being conscious and respectful about it, which helps build a better post-marriage relationship. IMHO, of course.

- Amy Gahran

In my case, I have never been married but wear a ring. We have been together for 10 years and have lived together for over 6 years. We also have a 2 year old son. For me, having a ring, something I just got a year ago, really helped more with society expectations then anything else. When would I take the ring off? Probably when we no longer live together. Being that I truely have not walked in your shoes, I can't say for sure.

I came to pop in to your blog and was very surprised to see this post. I was taken aback really... Because of my own situation, and how it is mirrored in what you wrote.

Our rings were off long before we even decided to separate, so that could say a few things :)

I just read an interesting book called "Marriages End, Families Don't." Its about how marriages end but family units don't need to...

Personally I have always found ridiculous the whole concept of spending so long with someone and then just being "separative" and cutting things off. '

When my husband and I more formally separated "our" friends started taking sides. Which I couldn't understand, they seemed more uncomfortable than we were. And I really looked at that and could see it was just "old beliefs" "old patterns" and didn't really have to do with what was ACTUALLY happening.

Just like the path of AP, which is different than so many main stream parenting concepts, I think subject of divorce can be approached in a new and different way.

For my own growth I see more opportunity in approaching this differently than the norm. And status Quo. Loving through..., Stepping in to fears, being uncomfortable and not running away from it, are all some examples.

Don't really have a point with this tangent of mine, but....

Sending you and your wife love and light, I can empathize with all the feelings that come with separation.

Warmly,

Ashley

BTW,
I saw somewhere that you are in Boulder, lucky you! Its fabulous... Anyways, they have a fantastic Landmark Center in Denver. You should check out the Landmark Forum that they offer, I found it particularly helpful during my hard time. I actually did the program in Denver, and fell in love with it there.

You know Dave, I don't recall. It has been 11 or so years since I got divorced.

I think part of it is for the person who didn't initiate the divorce accepting the situation and closure.

My daughter is going through this now.

Perhaps I'll ask her about her thoughts.... although I have recently learned that she is thinking about getting back together.

I think you should keep wearing the earring. After all you two will always be connected in many ways, even if not by marriage.

Dave,

I was just searching the net and found your blog. My wife made the decision to move into a place of her own in early November. Supposedly for 6 months till we "figure things out". Well, I don't really think she wants to do that, and has even stated that she doesn't plan to come back in 6 months. So, I guess that says a lot.

She hasn't been wearing her rings for sometime, that I have noticed. However, I was wearing mine until yesterday (1/15/2008). Why did I remove it. Well, I don't really know. I spoke to my counselor about it yesterday. Here's the way it came up. In the last week 3 people asked me "Why do you still wear your ring when Lisa doesn't?" My answer was, "I like it, and it was expensive". To tell the truth I never thought about taking it off. Not so much that it was my "wedding ring" it just feels like a piece of ME! So, when I got home last night and changed I took it off just so people would stop asking me. Now I have a tan line and indent where it used to be. I miss the ring, especially (now that it is off) what it DID mean. When I took it off last night I remembered it was engraved with "Love You More, Me". That was a little thing we had. I said "I love you", she said, "Love you more". She always signed little notes "ME".

So, what's my point? When to take it off is different for everyone. For me, I like the ring and liked wearing the ring. I took it off, because people put the idea in my head and when I got to thinking about it, the ring was a piece of jewelery more than a symbol of our love.

It felt good to type this out, thanks for making your post.

Dan

How odd, I ended up getting a link to your blog from an old friend I almost never talk to today. I've been looking for other co-parenting bloggers.

Deciding to take my rings off was a huge thing for me. I would take them off cry and shove them back on. I hated how my hands looked with out them. And then one night after a particularly bad fight with the ex, I went to bed and woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I had a lead weight on my hand. I never quite shook that feeling. I started taking them off when I went to bed, and eventually started leaving them on the ring tray all the time. Then one day I saw them there with dust on them and packed them up and put them away. I never got rid of them, as many have suggested I should. I'm just not sure what to do with them.

This was an awesome post. Thanks.

My wife and I are separated, supposedly with the intent to work on our marriage, at least that is my hope. It has been two and a half months and I've seen changes in her that lead me to believe she doesn't really want to work on the marriage, but I'm not really sure. I knew as long as her ring was still on, it meant something. Yesterday I noticed it was off (we see each other on and off throughout the week picking up and dropping off kids) and it told me that we're headed for the end. It's a huge deal to me. My ring is still on and will be until something tells me we're officially done. I think rings are a major part of marriage and what it represents as a union before God between two people for life.

Hello Friends,
I'm writing on this web-log for the first time to simply say how inspired I am by the honesty and the heart shared hear amongst this on-line community. It is definitely refreshing and I also feel moved to offer everyone a source of hope when it comes to making changes in your relationships.

As it happens, my sweetheart and I were on the brink of going our seperate ways and then we started practicing an approach to connecting together described in a book called "Peace Between the Sheets" written by Marnia Robinson.

Suffice it to say that my lady friend and I are now more in love than ever before and we definitely owe it to this extraordinary understanding of romantic neuro-chemistry and how to thwart biology's design by staying closely connected together.

You can certainly learn more about it at: http://www.reuniting.info/peace_between_the_sheets.

More than anything, from one *hopeful* romantic to another, I encourage you to read through this material and actually experience the miraculous empowerment and vitality provided by exploring this profoundly life-altering perspective.

I've been on this journey and it's not a happy one. A few years prior to my divorce I put my wedding ring on my right hand. It got stuck for a year, and no matter what I did I couldn't get it off.

Neither of us cared until someone at work said he thought I was single. That's when I decided to get it cut off. Doing it was physically painful - a symbol of the emotional pain that would be next (and of which I was completely unaware was coming).

I went to some hippy rock shop and the woman who did it wasn't experienced in cutting off rings. I got burns on my hand.

I have the ring in my jewelry box still. It was repaired -- a bad repair job by an antique dealer who I mistakenly trusted. It doesn't hold any sentimental value but for some reason I still keep it.

Janet

Life is full of symbols and rituals. The wedding ring is a prime example. What do you do with it after a marriage has died? Our company developed the Wedding Ring Coffin to provide the closure one might need after going through divorce. Placing your ring in the coffin and physically closing the lid on that chapter of your life can be a cathartic experience, and provide some light hearted humor at the end of the emotionally taxing divorce process.

I never take my wedding ring off. "Marriages are for better or for worse, right?

Wow, good posts from all. Im at the end of my divorce, just got the final decree. In the end, it really turned out fair for both of us. My ring meant alot of things for me:
1) Love for my wife
2) Right of passage
3) stability
4) Commitment
In short, I was very proud of our decision to marry and spend our lives together. My ring came off on a very profound day when I realized our marrital vows had been broken and that we were holding on to a bad marriage. It was like removing a tumor my friends. Once our decree was final I put the ring back on in sadness for our loss. The symbolism had changed, I remembered what life was like between us and I was happy again for the closure. Im going to take a really long hike to a special lake up in the mountains and im going to throw it in. Im going to wish for a better life for my small and shattered family. When I hike back down I am going to leave it behind me and Im going to focus on who I choose to be. Hope this helps someone.

My husband and I are recently seperated, he has started the divorce process. He is still wearing his ring and I can't help but wonder if it means there is still "hope" I am so not wanting a divorce.

It seems everybody that has written on this blog
more or less feels the same way im on my way to a divorce or real close my wife asked us to take our rings off last night and i was heartbroken it
does really mean something to me and to read everybodys story makes me so sad im not sure were this is going yet but it doesnt look good
thanks for everybodys story and wish you all luck.

Where to begin, today I finally removed my wedding ring. After being separated for 5 months, my wife had not been wearing her rings for a while. I am the one trying to hold on and letting go has not been easy. All the signs are there and she told me today, again, that we are no longer working out and never will. I have tried to so hard to make it work, but all she tells me is to not try anymore as it is not going to work. I have been depressed for about a week now and just can't shake it off. I've talked to numerous friends and family members and they all have an opinion. I have one child with my wife and it is very difficult to think that we will never be together as a family again. I've already cried many times over and I think it is beginning to subside. But each time i flip the channel, I get flash backs of our relationship. I just can't believe its already over and I'm having a hard time to cope. All these posts above are great and have gained some inisights on what I should do and expect. My wife keeps telling me to change for myself and do things for myself. What does this mean? Since she is the one that left and I still love her, does that mean she wants me to easily forget her in order to move on with my life? I'm in denial and just don't know how to let go. I know people tell me to get out, get some air, be with friends, be in front of people, but for some reason, I can't. I'm planted on this couch. I have a home business and its really starting to affect my job performance. I've searched and searched for answers, but can't seem to get what I need to satisfy my soul.

I came to this blog precisely because I was looking for an answer to this thorny little question. I really identify with a lot of what has been posted here about the significance of the ring. Chad's post about his plan to throw his ring in a mountain lake I found quite moving too.
My wife moved out 2 months ago though we were living apart since last Feb. The way I see the ring thing is in terms of what it says to others, especially to strangers. Do I want to present myself as single, or do I want to be taken for being married and then explain my situation when I get to know people more? What are my motives - do I really want to start another relationship yet, in which case might the ring put people off? And so on.
The best answer seems to be to agree what to do about rings with your partner. After all, it was with them you put it on in the first place.
And Nick - yes you really do have to force yourself to get out and meet people. When I'm at home by myself I can easily get to brooding about what I've lost but when I'm with workmates, friends or family I find I'm rediscovering the me that isn't part of a couple. Do you do any exercise? It really is good for depression, and you can meet people that way too.