Wow Dave so many emotions were raised by this post as it swept me back to the time of my own divorce now more than 10 years ago. I think there are some fundamental differences between women and men and the meaning of rings and other parts of the emotional roller coaster we like to call divorce.

To my mind I think it has a lot to do with who initiates the separation and divorce. Perhaps Linda went down the path of her own emotion and when it was "time" she took it off. You on the other hand, being a male and not as tied to the emotion, decided that the contract was over and the ring was a part of that contract. I have actually heard of women wearing a wedding ring because of the protection it affords, not being hit on by every guy at the bar.

What did I do with my ring? I gave it back to her. She bought it for me and I decided she should have it to do with it what she wanted. There was talk at one point that the rings are assets to the marriage and should be split as any other piece of marital property.

I dunno.. I'm still married.. my wife's ring was taken of over a year ago to be repaired.. it's still off.. seems like the kids and house have a higher priority.. Now.. we do need to put us higher on the priority list.. but the ring seems trivial to us... but that's just us.. I'm sure there's another symbol that we'd cling to.

The thing that sticks in my brain after reading this... well.. is that you both were clinging to the symbol of marriage.. and.. well.. you both sound very civil to each other.. which leads me to wonder if you just need more time apart.

Attachment parenting can lead to Helicopter Parenting.. which means all the energy of the adults gets sucked into the kids... which means the adults suffer.. and adults without energy tend to strike out at other adults (spouses) that seem to want energy from them.. energy that is long gone into the kids...

Anyway.. I'm sure you don't need outsiders dredging stuff up.. but.. I suppose in my defense.. if it's there to be dredged up.. then it still needs going through eventually..

It just gets so hard to sort out feelings surrounding the kids and how they relate to spouses..

Just know that you both are good people... stuff happens. Life is goes on .. and Life is good.

Poignant post, Dave. Being in the process of gradually getting unmarried (more gradually than you), I can relate.

In my case, my husband stopped wearing his ring years ago because he'd lost weight and it kept falling off, and he never got it resized. After he moved out in 2006, I took mine off even though at that point we were still trying to figure out how to make the marriage work, and the indentation remained on my finger nearly a year. Coincidentally, about the time I noticed the indentation was finally completely gone, I decided that we should probably start to figure out how to end our marriage, since even though we were (and are) getting along much better we aren't getting any closer in the way I'd need from a marriage.

But we're not particularly attached to symbols; some people are. I think the more power and emotion you vest in a symbol of any kind, the harder it is to let it go.

I think, if a couple is trying to come apart calmly and well, it helps to talk these things over instead of just surprising someone with a suddenly missing symbol. That won't necessarily make it not hurt, but at least you're being conscious and respectful about it, which helps build a better post-marriage relationship. IMHO, of course.

- Amy Gahran

In my case, I have never been married but wear a ring. We have been together for 10 years and have lived together for over 6 years. We also have a 2 year old son. For me, having a ring, something I just got a year ago, really helped more with society expectations then anything else. When would I take the ring off? Probably when we no longer live together. Being that I truely have not walked in your shoes, I can't say for sure.

I came to pop in to your blog and was very surprised to see this post. I was taken aback really... Because of my own situation, and how it is mirrored in what you wrote.

Our rings were off long before we even decided to separate, so that could say a few things :)

I just read an interesting book called "Marriages End, Families Don't." Its about how marriages end but family units don't need to...

Personally I have always found ridiculous the whole concept of spending so long with someone and then just being "separative" and cutting things off. '

When my husband and I more formally separated "our" friends started taking sides. Which I couldn't understand, they seemed more uncomfortable than we were. And I really looked at that and could see it was just "old beliefs" "old patterns" and didn't really have to do with what was ACTUALLY happening.

Just like the path of AP, which is different than so many main stream parenting concepts, I think subject of divorce can be approached in a new and different way.

For my own growth I see more opportunity in approaching this differently than the norm. And status Quo. Loving through..., Stepping in to fears, being uncomfortable and not running away from it, are all some examples.

Don't really have a point with this tangent of mine, but....

Sending you and your wife love and light, I can empathize with all the feelings that come with separation.

Warmly,

Ashley

BTW,
I saw somewhere that you are in Boulder, lucky you! Its fabulous... Anyways, they have a fantastic Landmark Center in Denver. You should check out the Landmark Forum that they offer, I found it particularly helpful during my hard time. I actually did the program in Denver, and fell in love with it there.

You know Dave, I don't recall. It has been 11 or so years since I got divorced.

I think part of it is for the person who didn't initiate the divorce accepting the situation and closure.

My daughter is going through this now.

Perhaps I'll ask her about her thoughts.... although I have recently learned that she is thinking about getting back together.

I think you should keep wearing the earring. After all you two will always be connected in many ways, even if not by marriage.

Dave,

I was just searching the net and found your blog. My wife made the decision to move into a place of her own in early November. Supposedly for 6 months till we "figure things out". Well, I don't really think she wants to do that, and has even stated that she doesn't plan to come back in 6 months. So, I guess that says a lot.

She hasn't been wearing her rings for sometime, that I have noticed. However, I was wearing mine until yesterday (1/15/2008). Why did I remove it. Well, I don't really know. I spoke to my counselor about it yesterday. Here's the way it came up. In the last week 3 people asked me "Why do you still wear your ring when Lisa doesn't?" My answer was, "I like it, and it was expensive". To tell the truth I never thought about taking it off. Not so much that it was my "wedding ring" it just feels like a piece of ME! So, when I got home last night and changed I took it off just so people would stop asking me. Now I have a tan line and indent where it used to be. I miss the ring, especially (now that it is off) what it DID mean. When I took it off last night I remembered it was engraved with "Love You More, Me". That was a little thing we had. I said "I love you", she said, "Love you more". She always signed little notes "ME".

So, what's my point? When to take it off is different for everyone. For me, I like the ring and liked wearing the ring. I took it off, because people put the idea in my head and when I got to thinking about it, the ring was a piece of jewelery more than a symbol of our love.

It felt good to type this out, thanks for making your post.

Dan

How odd, I ended up getting a link to your blog from an old friend I almost never talk to today. I've been looking for other co-parenting bloggers.

Deciding to take my rings off was a huge thing for me. I would take them off cry and shove them back on. I hated how my hands looked with out them. And then one night after a particularly bad fight with the ex, I went to bed and woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I had a lead weight on my hand. I never quite shook that feeling. I started taking them off when I went to bed, and eventually started leaving them on the ring tray all the time. Then one day I saw them there with dust on them and packed them up and put them away. I never got rid of them, as many have suggested I should. I'm just not sure what to do with them.

This was an awesome post. Thanks.

My wife and I are separated, supposedly with the intent to work on our marriage, at least that is my hope. It has been two and a half months and I've seen changes in her that lead me to believe she doesn't really want to work on the marriage, but I'm not really sure. I knew as long as her ring was still on, it meant something. Yesterday I noticed it was off (we see each other on and off throughout the week picking up and dropping off kids) and it told me that we're headed for the end. It's a huge deal to me. My ring is still on and will be until something tells me we're officially done. I think rings are a major part of marriage and what it represents as a union before God between two people for life.

Hello Friends,
I'm writing on this web-log for the first time to simply say how inspired I am by the honesty and the heart shared hear amongst this on-line community. It is definitely refreshing and I also feel moved to offer everyone a source of hope when it comes to making changes in your relationships.

As it happens, my sweetheart and I were on the brink of going our seperate ways and then we started practicing an approach to connecting together described in a book called "Peace Between the Sheets" written by Marnia Robinson.

Suffice it to say that my lady friend and I are now more in love than ever before and we definitely owe it to this extraordinary understanding of romantic neuro-chemistry and how to thwart biology's design by staying closely connected together.

You can certainly learn more about it at: http://www.reuniting.info/peace_between_the_sheets.

More than anything, from one *hopeful* romantic to another, I encourage you to read through this material and actually experience the miraculous empowerment and vitality provided by exploring this profoundly life-altering perspective.

I've been on this journey and it's not a happy one. A few years prior to my divorce I put my wedding ring on my right hand. It got stuck for a year, and no matter what I did I couldn't get it off.

Neither of us cared until someone at work said he thought I was single. That's when I decided to get it cut off. Doing it was physically painful - a symbol of the emotional pain that would be next (and of which I was completely unaware was coming).

I went to some hippy rock shop and the woman who did it wasn't experienced in cutting off rings. I got burns on my hand.

I have the ring in my jewelry box still. It was repaired -- a bad repair job by an antique dealer who I mistakenly trusted. It doesn't hold any sentimental value but for some reason I still keep it.

Janet

Life is full of symbols and rituals. The wedding ring is a prime example. What do you do with it after a marriage has died? Our company developed the Wedding Ring Coffin to provide the closure one might need after going through divorce. Placing your ring in the coffin and physically closing the lid on that chapter of your life can be a cathartic experience, and provide some light hearted humor at the end of the emotionally taxing divorce process.

I never take my wedding ring off. "Marriages are for better or for worse, right?

Wow, good posts from all. Im at the end of my divorce, just got the final decree. In the end, it really turned out fair for both of us. My ring meant alot of things for me:
1) Love for my wife
2) Right of passage
3) stability
4) Commitment
In short, I was very proud of our decision to marry and spend our lives together. My ring came off on a very profound day when I realized our marrital vows had been broken and that we were holding on to a bad marriage. It was like removing a tumor my friends. Once our decree was final I put the ring back on in sadness for our loss. The symbolism had changed, I remembered what life was like between us and I was happy again for the closure. Im going to take a really long hike to a special lake up in the mountains and im going to throw it in. Im going to wish for a better life for my small and shattered family. When I hike back down I am going to leave it behind me and Im going to focus on who I choose to be. Hope this helps someone.

My husband and I are recently seperated, he has started the divorce process. He is still wearing his ring and I can't help but wonder if it means there is still "hope" I am so not wanting a divorce.

It seems everybody that has written on this blog
more or less feels the same way im on my way to a divorce or real close my wife asked us to take our rings off last night and i was heartbroken it
does really mean something to me and to read everybodys story makes me so sad im not sure were this is going yet but it doesnt look good
thanks for everybodys story and wish you all luck.

Where to begin, today I finally removed my wedding ring. After being separated for 5 months, my wife had not been wearing her rings for a while. I am the one trying to hold on and letting go has not been easy. All the signs are there and she told me today, again, that we are no longer working out and never will. I have tried to so hard to make it work, but all she tells me is to not try anymore as it is not going to work. I have been depressed for about a week now and just can't shake it off. I've talked to numerous friends and family members and they all have an opinion. I have one child with my wife and it is very difficult to think that we will never be together as a family again. I've already cried many times over and I think it is beginning to subside. But each time i flip the channel, I get flash backs of our relationship. I just can't believe its already over and I'm having a hard time to cope. All these posts above are great and have gained some inisights on what I should do and expect. My wife keeps telling me to change for myself and do things for myself. What does this mean? Since she is the one that left and I still love her, does that mean she wants me to easily forget her in order to move on with my life? I'm in denial and just don't know how to let go. I know people tell me to get out, get some air, be with friends, be in front of people, but for some reason, I can't. I'm planted on this couch. I have a home business and its really starting to affect my job performance. I've searched and searched for answers, but can't seem to get what I need to satisfy my soul.

I came to this blog precisely because I was looking for an answer to this thorny little question. I really identify with a lot of what has been posted here about the significance of the ring. Chad's post about his plan to throw his ring in a mountain lake I found quite moving too.
My wife moved out 2 months ago though we were living apart since last Feb. The way I see the ring thing is in terms of what it says to others, especially to strangers. Do I want to present myself as single, or do I want to be taken for being married and then explain my situation when I get to know people more? What are my motives - do I really want to start another relationship yet, in which case might the ring put people off? And so on.
The best answer seems to be to agree what to do about rings with your partner. After all, it was with them you put it on in the first place.
And Nick - yes you really do have to force yourself to get out and meet people. When I'm at home by myself I can easily get to brooding about what I've lost but when I'm with workmates, friends or family I find I'm rediscovering the me that isn't part of a couple. Do you do any exercise? It really is good for depression, and you can meet people that way too.

She took her rings off over two and a half years ago. I haven't given up yet. I don't know how much longer I can deal with it though. Once it's over I'll have to leave the state. My boys are grown, but my daughter is still only 11. It's not fair. I didn't do anything wrong. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, till death do us part. We don't talk. I try to get the conversation going, but I get shut down everytime. I'm a very patient and stubborn person, but it's been so long. Friends don't understand. They think there's something I can do. For 18 years she had short periods of "cold shoulder" when she got upset. I could break the spell by getting overly emotional (tears or shouts). This time, I can't seem to bring up the passion. Once she took her rings off, I just couldn't lower myself to that level again. I'm a quiet calm person. I don't like the drama. I'll keep this ring on until the end though. It means that I haven't given up.

David, a word of advice: if you do give up on your wife (and, honestly, it sounds like it's time to do just that) that doesn't by any means you need to give up on your daughter.

In my opinion, it's CRITICALLY important that you separate the two out or you daughter will lose her Dad, which is one heck of a price for her to pay.

My husband left me a month ago... I took my ring off after about a week because I was so sad by the vows that he broke. (For better, for worse) I type all day long at work as much of the communication is done by e-mail... I had to take my ring off or I would not be able to function in my job as my ring stuck out as a constant reminder. Whether we get back together or not, in the meantime, what that ring symbolized no longer holds true... and I will not wear it again until I know that it symbolizes something "true". I see so many of you going through so many of the same "rollercoaster" of emotions.... it's good to see that I am not alone.

Thanks for this great blog!

I moved out 3 months ago (no affairs, no fights, just two people who no longer share a common view of what they want from their future or a relationship) so I am at the beginning of the divorce process. I'm debating when to take the ring off for an entirely different reason than I've seen here.

I've always viewed the ring more as a signal to others of my relationship status than anything else.

So, given that - am I "lying" by taking it off or "lying" by leaving it on?

As such, I'm legally married but not emotionally so.

I'd like to be open to new relationship possibilities - but keeping the ring on says "off limits". But if I take it off and a new relationship presents itself I could be viewed as deceptive.

Any thoughts on the right thing to do from that perspective?

Thanks

I just off my ring today. The divorce started 5 weeks ago. My finger feels really bare after 21 years. I thought about wearing a funky fun ring, but I might leave it bare so the ridge heals.

I agree with earlier comment that some women keep them on to protect them from male predators. So may pop it back on when I am out socialising.

Best of luck to you all x

maybe sometimes people take them off if they have problems in their hands... ever think of that? i am married and had to take mine off because they were swolen because i am pregnant... think about some of these things before you post them online

Sorry, Melissa, it appears that my blog entry touched a nerve with you? Of course there is no assumption that everyone who doesn't wear a wedding ring wants to be single or is in the process (mentally or in real life) of getting a divorce. There are tons of reasons why a married person might not have a ring on and many reasons why a separated/divorced/unmarried person might have one on their finger.

As for me, we're now divorced (after 17 months of separation and legal thrashing) and the indentation is gone from my finger, as is the tan line. I occasionally look at my finger and still feel the ring missing and wonder if I'll restore it with a new marriage down the road. At this moment in time, it doesn't seem important.

This blog is a blessing in disguise. I have been tortured by this question since my spouse took her ring off probably 8 mo. ago. It has been sooo confusing to me and I am hurting inside and am torn as to what to do. We have been strugling for a while but just exchanged vows in June of last year again after 15 years of marriage. After i got back from vacation her ring was off and in a box now in her bathroom drawer. She has been having migranes now for over 14 months and I think she has detached because she doesnt know whats wrong with herself. The disconnect has been huge and I am just giving her her freedom while trying my best to raise our 2 boys alone. She has been going away alot and has been going on trips to see girlfriends alot. I am still wearing my rings because they represent our union to me and everytime I get upset and mad like I just did when I went upstairs looking for tweezers and found it in a new place i just want to take mine off and leave them in that box with hers. I cant bring myself to do so even though I feel so stupid for trying to hang on. I dont want to take it off but it is feeling like it is my umbillical cord to my marriage and the olny thing that holds her to me in this relationship right now. I took it off while i was reading this blog and then cried so much that I put it back on in hopes of saving my marriage. The ring does symbolize alot for me and I am so lost to as why she would disconnect like that.

I have been seperated for almost 3 months now. Reading everyones blogs is helping me a lot. My husband was the one that wanted the seperation and I am having a really hard time with it. He has already taken off his wedding ring and just discovered the other day that he has it on his keychain. Im not really sure why, but for some reason it helps a little to know that he still carries it around with him. Myself on the other hand has yet to take it off. I've tried a couple of times once I seen that he was no longer wearing it, but I always put it back on. For me these rings do symbolize everything about our marriage. Our love. our commitment, the family we started and the life that we planned on sharing until the end of our time. I cannnot give up on any of that and still have hope of one day having it all back, and by taking the rings off would show that I gave up. So until my husband brings me divorce papers and I sign them they are not coming off. And I don't care how many more friends and family membes ask me why I still have them on i will continue to tell all of them the same thing I shared with you.
Thank You for listening and once again this blog helps a lot by feeling that I'm not alone in all of this.

I kept from my wife a personal issue from before we were married. Once I had to finally confess she considered our marraige a "sham" and stopped wearing her wedding ring. That was three years ago. Now, with a new job, she's discovered someone at work to whom she's attracted--her boss, actually. Things have been eroding preatty quickly since she shared this little tid-bit with me nearly four months ago. We're at the place where she says she wants "space". So, knowing I can't control her heart I'm stepping back and leaving her alone as much as possible; allowing her to dictate the parameters of the relationship. But I decided that I, too, would remove my wedding ring, but I'm not sure why. I want my marriage to be a strong and healthy one. I want to rebuild what we once had. I just don't know that she wants that anymore. I guess by removing my ring I'm trying to prepare myself emotionally for what seems and inevitablility. I hate this place in my life. I wonder if there's happiness on the other side.

I just found your blog through googling "when to take off your wedding ring". I am now going through this dilemma. It was my husband that pulled away and stopped talking, feeling or anyhting else. He doesn't want to seek counseling and he even moved into the guest room a few weeks ago. This has been gradually getting worse over a course of months. We are more like roommates than anything. Well our 5 year anniversary was Friday and he didn't even acknowledge it. I at least gave him a card. He didn't even open it. So to me that shows this marriage is over and didn't mean anything to him in anyway and i don't even want to wear this ring anymore. But i know as soon as i take it off and people notice then come the questions. It makes me very sad to take it off and as of right now its on. It meant so much to me as did my marriage and it makes me very sad.

My wife left a year ago, 12 years down the toilet, hasn't filed, left me in ruins. They say the second dump is easier for them, now I see. Tonight I want to take my ring off, I guess I was hoping and praying for the possible, but as always there the new OM.

Seems we get to a point that the ring is just a ring. When she wore her wedding dress to a Halloween party that tells me who she really is and what she valued. She looked better as a witch. I won't need to throw a bucket of water on her, she will do that herself. OZ...............

I separated from my husband 9 months ago. He took his off immediately and sold them for a pittance. I will keep mine on until the divorce is final and on that day the contract will be over and that is what the rings symbolise to me.
Not to be too downhearted though, I intend to get them fashioned into a new piece of jewellery that I can wear, maybe a pendant or a brooch, which will be a way of making the best of the situation and not throwing away all those years.

I really was comforted by the posts on the blog. My husband and I are going to have a trial separation starting in September. I am the one wanting the separation in order to figure out what I really want. My husband does not want it. I am going to continue wearing my wedding band because I don't want anyone at work to ask me about it right now besides the fact that taking off the ring feels too final.

I am worried about my kids. I hope they adjust ok. My husband and I do not fight and will make it as smooth as possible for them, but it still seems drastic in breaking up our family unit. I am just not happy being married to my husband and need some space of my own. Anyway, I will wear my ring until...

I have been married for 25 years. I love my wife and am committed to our marriage. She has given up trying and says that she has never loved me - that she knew when she walked down the aisle it was a mistake. She says she's tried, but just doesn't feel that 'click'. She wants out - but money (lack of it) keeps us together. She won't consider counseling - she feels that it would just be brainwashing or a guilt trip. We have six children. She loves them and would die for them. In April of this year, she stopped wearing her ring. She had injured her ring finger cleaning, so took it off so her finger could heal better. It is now August - still no ring. I mentioned it to her, and she said she might put it back on in the fall. I have my doubts. I feel that she was very concerned that folk would comment on her not wearing her wedding ring. But she has discover that no one (except me) seems to notice it (or at least no one will mention it to her). Not her mom, sister, our grown children, our younger children - no one. I feel that she no longer fears the stigma of not wearing it and doesn't want to - because it represents a relationship she wants out of. As for me? I'll always wear my ring 'till death do us part'. As a bible believing Christian, I read that when divorce is mentioned in the scripture, Jesus said that the spouse who divorces the other causes him/her to commit adultery. If the marriage was ended by divorce, how could there be adultery? Of course, this assumes that the spouse is a Christian too. My wife lead me to Jesus. I don't believe that she would say that she isn't one herself. I have learned much of what it is like for God to love us and for us to reject Him - but he still keeps loving. So will I - the ring stays on.

My wife took her ring off about 3 weeks ago about when she started a new job. Everyting is going good in Marriage except she isnt wearing the ring. Not sure what to do.

I took it off the day my husband revealed he was having an affair and not just a business trip in our 24 year marriage. It was a great marriage until he responded to his 'old' girlfriend at age 12, email and started the preposterous 3rd person in our marriage scenario.I had a hard time but washing my face of tears used any and all available lubricants to remove what I and he designed ourselves...a stylish and weighty piece we received many compliments for. I ripped off a chunk of finger on my right hand (Ukrainian Orthodox tradition)saw he was 'resting' on the bed...Cheating and deceiving is a weary activity.... walked in and chucked it his way and told him that it was now hunting season and he could pick and scr-w whoever and however....he wanted ...as he made our marriage from a loving and fine family to trash in 30 seconds... We met as teenagers...and 38years later...he flushes his wife 2 adult children at home and takes a taxi back to airport yet another business trip?...does not hang around to tell the kids... :(

My husband and I separated last month, he had had a three year affair. I found out about it in April 2009, we decided to give our marriage another try... he wanted to stay the same and disregarded his words he would do anything to keep us together... I loved and love this man but cannot live with any more deciet and lies.
The last time I saw my husband with his ring on was last Thursday, he came round last evening and i noticed he was not wearing his ring, I was gutted, he was moving on quite well and I seem to be stuck, I had not even thought about the ring until that moment and what the ring meant... your posts helped me a lot... I felt hurt when I saw he did not have the ring on... even though it was he who betrayed me, I did not think about the removal of the ring yet, I tried taking it off and as another person said, I felt like a piece of me was missing, it gave the separation a more of a final feeling ... thing is I still love my husband and he clearly never loved me like he could have. I am going through a lot of emotions right now. This blog has helped me a little. I di dnot know if you had to wait until a separation was finalized before the ring came off.

The ring came off on the "actual" day of the divorce - it has been redesigned into another piece of jewellery and gets worn now and again

I reached this site for answers I suppose as
I am perplexed that my current boyfriend still wears his wedding ring (moved to the middle finger).

When I asked why, he was quite defensive but could not actually give me a reason.

From my perspective, a wedding ring symbolizes love, commitment and fidelity between two people. Never ending – thus the circle.

Keeping it on is an inability to relinquish those emotions/feelings. You can divorce legally, but sometimes the emotional separation is much harder.

For me, I wanted him to deal with the emotions, and me honestly. It isn't about the ring, it is the symbolism.