Hey there;
The toughest part of being a father is being a man in the world of parenting. We are strong, providers, tough, stone cold and never acknowledge our emotions. And my god we do not even attempt an ounce of intropection. We just parent and let the kids deal with it. I have spent the last few months at home with a four year and a newborn. Accetping that I am not perfect is the hardest thing for me. The best thing for me is to hear other parents that get freaked and just plain warn out by parenting and reach the end of their ropes just like I do. Sites like these are the best thing for me. I get to hear about the ups and downs of other fathers. It is a stroke of confidence while I struggle to bring some conciencnes to parenting. Changing how I parent and try to look at my anger and why I react the way I do which in turn disects how my children are with me and the world. The five month old is waking up and fussing. I will add more later.

stubby

The most difficult thing about parenting for me, a father, is as you say, Dave - that even though I do a pretty good job handling my 17 month-old daughter, ultimately my wife is just a little bit better. She has little more common sense about kids than I do, has done the parenting research, so sometimes I'm asking her for advice on parenting. I have good parenting instincts as well, but she has a little bit of a leg up on me in that department.

My daughter is also breastfeeding, and that form of satisfaction my wife gives her I can't top. Nor do I want to, or do I feel jealous about it. But ultimately, there are times when my daughter is upset and all my attempts to console or distract her come to naught. She wants her mother. For that moment, I feel a little inadequate. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very hands-on father and give my daughter more than just a paycheck to get her what she needs. But Mom is it.

I don't really worry about whether I'm being a good father or not. When my daughter was first born I did. Now I just be myself - I love my daughter and have accepted her into my life, and use that to try to have patience when things aren't going so well. Plus, I think kids catch on when you're trying to hard to 'be a parent.'

just a quick word of thanks from a worn out mom,we appreciate great dads who try their best more than you guys know.keep up the good work even when its bloody hard!!!

Right now, and for the past few weeks, I've been feeling like getting my 9 month old daughter to sleep is the hardest thing. It's hard because (as a full-time dad) I try to do everything that I can to get her ready to sleep at night, and yet she seems to fight me every night.

And it's tough, because I get frustrated and angry. I get angry because I feel like I'm failing, like I just can't do whatever it is that she needs to help her get to sleep. And I hate to feel angry, especially with/at her, because I know it's not her fault. I know she's not doing this to anger me, so this makes me feel even worse.

Bah. Why can't she love sleep like I do?

I can relate to what you're saying, Jeremiah!! There's nothing that I find more frustrating than trying to get the kids to sleep when they're spinning up and getting more hyper, more excited, more ready to play than any other time during the day.

Stick with it, and remember, it's just a passing phase and they'll eventually be teenagers. Or, um, don't think about that and enjoy the ups and downs of babyhood!

Trying to get my kids to do any chores lately has been a rollercoaster ride. Ages 5 and 3. I fear that if they don't clear the table today, then they won't do their homework tomorrow.
My oldest will do anything to avoid clearing the table. She just realized that she prefers sitting in the corner to working, so timeout is no longer an effective consequence.
Finding good consequences in many situations is quite a challenge.

Chores? My kids do chores? :-)

Actually, when we can make it into a game then they're all enthused to help. In fact, they fight over who does "knives and forks" when setting the dinner table, which is pretty funny as they both rush into the kitchen and do the same job. We end up with lots of knives and forks on the table some nights and no water or water glasses. Ah well.

In terms of cleaning up, that's the toughest chore around our house but (shhh) my wife and I aren't very good models in that regard either. With three kids, two dogs, a cat, and I think we have a partridge and a pear tree somewhere too, it's very hard to keep things neat and orderly, and so it's hard to get too upset at the wee folk for not being motivated to clean when we're not, um, sterling examples of that either.

I AM 46 and went through a ivf procedure with my girlfriend who is 42. When she told me say was pregnant with twins I freaked and told her she was on her own. The problem I do not love here. I am an artist type with no $. She owns her own house and wants me to live there. I want to and did bail. I don't want the responsiblity or finacial strain in being a Dad. I want to be with other women and travel. I know it's bad in the eyes of society. But I don't want to waste the next 5 years taking care of a baby when I can party and be with lots of other women. I will be in they're , the twins life later. Do I seen hard or just smart and selfesh

Hi ted. It sounds like you are being overwhelmed with responsibility. You want a care free life with no strings attached. Just remember that if you are bailing then expect to have zero contact with her children. You've bailed. What gives you the right to ever see them again? You won't be a provider to them in any way so what makes you think you can be a father?

PS: I'm a father of two and I work damn hard to raise them right.

Being a father...yeah-wow! It started very early in life for me. I married my best friend out of high school, and just three months after being married we found out no.1 was on the way. My first reaction was = AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I am too young, we haven't traveled, and I don't even really know about this marriage thing yet, but then she came. Our first daughter changed our life and I became Dad - AKA - Father. It is hard most of the time. I now have two girls, one 7 and the other 3. I own two businesses and they want all my time. TIME is the hardest thing to find these days. I got on this site tonight because I care about changing the way I manage my time so my girls don't grow up saying I wish my Dad had time for me, or I wish he would listen to me instead of saying later, I'm busy right now. We are human, and being Dad isn't easy. We will never function the same as Mom and never communicate or parent like Mom, but we can be better Dad's. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I am going to take my oldest daughter to school - grade 2. I am going to look at how blessed I am, and thank God everyday I have her and how I am not one of those thousands of parents wondering where their missing child is. Yes, parenting can be hard, but enjoy every moment of it!

I'm 44 years old, way too old for what i'm about
to say, my nephue lives with us and has encountered his first bully! You can just hear
hear yourself groan can't you! Well, I contacted the school and you guessed it, nada! So I met with
the parents and that didn't work ether! (the guy
told me to f*** off!) and threatened me with a
punching out! I'm not going to just sit by and
let this kid tease and hurt him! What do you do in
a case like this as fighting is not the answer to
anything!

Ted

U seem like your a very self centered and selfish person. This life isnt about you. Its about doing whats right. To abandon her should be punishable. It is morally wrong. If you do not love her, be there for the kids. You dont have to be together to raise them. Step up to the plate and be a man. Your a coward in my eyes. Your post says you bailed. What does a person like you do to contribute to our planet and its society ?
Tom
www.safaritom.com

I am 36 and I have my first child who is 7mos old. Wow, parenting! It is great to be able to raise a child, but it is not easy by far. Between working, owning a house, and taking care of the baby no time for me. It is all him for now, which I am not saying it is bad thing. It is actually a good thing!:-)

My issue is that I have been quite sad for some reason and so overwelmed with things in my life that I am angry all the time. I do not show my anger to my child, but my wife and others I do. Not talkative either. Why is this? I have a new child, a beautiful wife, a house, my health, and a good job. Why do I feel like I am failing or why do I feel overwelmed?? Humm I think it is everything that I listed that is getting to me. How do I deal with this or is there groups out there for fathers?

Overall being a father I enjoy, I guess it is everything else or the fact more things on my shoulders.

Wow, Reading these post makes one once again say outloud. THANK THE LORD I NEVER HAD KIDS!!!! I'm 35, happily married for 5 years and NO KIDS. My wife and I have both agreed to never go down the having kids road and I know I wake up each morning and thank the lord I'm FREE!!!!!

All the talk about how wonderful kids are...Ok, Yea theres one thing to think about. ONE DAY THEY MOVE OUT ANYWAY... IF YOUR LUCKY. From birth on, it's just a mission to GET THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE and into ADULT life. Well guess what, many kids today DONT leave home till 30+ YEARS OLD...

Paying for College??? I hope all of you make $100,000 a year or more and you MIGHT be able to aford it.

Good Lord raising kids in TODAYS world??? I will pray for all of you tonight, your gonna need it!! Me, I'm gonna go wax my Porsche and think about our next rip to the Bahamas.

Good Night all and Good luck raising your Million Dollar baby.

Am I the only father who's got a little boy (mine is 5 -- an only child) who falls to sleep every night with his mommy lying next to him? Because that's what he wants and what he gets, because he's made it too difficult to get him to go to sleep on his own. He normally wakes up during the night and always crawls into our bed to sleep next to her. Mommy lets him stay. She gets more sleep this way. I don't think he's ever gone to sleep without having mommy near him. He's stubborn and often gets his way through unrelenting perseverance.

Who says it's healthy or unhealthy for a 5-year-old to never go to sleep on his own?

Being a dad is quite tough. Yes, I'm proud of my 4yo. I just love being with him early saturday/sunday mornings (around 5:30 AM) and let my wife sleep in until 10:00-11:00. We watch TV, play games, have fun, sometime he comes with me to the Gym (they have a play room for the kids) and after that we watch people play tennis at the Tennis Club with a coffee and chocolate milk. We really have fun together. It's great to be a dad. However, I find it tough to see the house with all those toys on the floor, no time to clean up the house, no time to sleep. It's full time job. I find it difficult to have a demanding job, having to work nights and sometimes weekends, especially with my wife insisting that we spend 100% of our time TOGETHER, AS A FAMILY. I sometimes wants to stop, just read the paper and have a coffee, or just read a book, have time for ME. I know this may sound egocentric. I love spending time with my kid and family. But sure is tough to have personal time. How can I have a personal-family balance? Any tricks or suggestions?

JF, I really think that it's a matter of survival and sanity for fathers to have some time to themselves, ad moms too, for that matter. Sounds like you and your wife need to have a serious talk about how you two can be happy adults as well as responsible parents. Good luck.

Thanks. It's really a question of allocating time for family, for ourselves and for our couple.

I've sunk... it's after the holidays, thank goodness, but I hate being a father right now! I've never had a more chaotic Christmas in all my life. I have a 3yo daughter and a 1.5yo son. I don't think I've ever enjoyed Christmas less in all my life. Playing constant referee with them and their gifts... ugh!
My daughter pushes the boundaries everywhere everyday! Doesn't matter the punishment, it's the same thing with her everyday over and over and over. I hate dealing with her. I just end up exploding.
My wife would like to have a third, but for all the children's sake and mine, I don't think it would be a good idea... and then sometimes I think it would be good... but so many times lately I think... I hate being a dad. There are lots of good things that I love, but when you need to get yourself sorted out (which with me is often), you've got to ref the kids first, or feed the family, or work, or discipline, or be involved, or be responsible, or whatever else life, wife or kids can dream up for you. Then you end up angry and exasperated at everyone and everything!

God help me!

Nev, I know the feeling. I only have one child and it's enough. I can't imagine 2. As I'm writing this, my 4yo keeps finding reasons NOT to go to sleep. I found that keeping my calm works wonders. They really want us to get mad - that's how they know they won. So when it happens, I turn on my little voice inside my head that tells me to keep it cool. I lower to tone of my voice, I look at him straight in eye and I say "stop it" twice. I tell him that if he does it again (whatever he's doing that I don't like) he will spend 3 minutes on a small chair in the hallway. And then you stop talking. If he starts again, I don't say a word, I put him on the chair and turn on a timer for 3 minutes. If he continues, well, it's another minute everytime. After all that, he has to tell me what he has done wrong. At the end, he knows I mean business, I won't explode, and he knows that next time I will do it. I'm no genious, but trial and error worked for us (me and my wife) : 1) turn on the little switch in your head for you to stay calm 2) lower the tone of your voice 3) look straight in the eye 4) tell them twice exactly what you want them to do (... or rather what you want them to stop doing) 5) apply a consequence EVERY TIME Then they'll know you mean business and after 5-6 times they'll get the message. After that a kiss and a hug usually works. Here are my four "C" words : Caring, Calm, Consistency and Consequence. I hope this helps. Good luck...!

I am pleased to locate this site. It seems like this may be a place that I can get some things out of my head and at the same time get some information that can help as I go thru the parenting quagmire. I have a 3.5 year old daughter and another child on the way. My wife does not work and stays with our daughter. We are using the attachment style of parenting and I am happy with our daughters progress and gratified by the work my wife does with her. The issue for me is a feeling of isolation. I am at work all day and come home exhausted. My wife and daughter play and learn all day and have a world that I feel isolated from. With another child on the way my wife now tells me that I do not understand or appreciate what she has to experience each day. I think that providing for the family and creating an environment that allows my wife to stay home speaks to my desire and to my understanding of their needs. I have a pain that feels like un appreciation. Is it me? I am aware that this could be hormones, however I want to search my self for barriers before I project.

ML

ML., I found out that we guys seek congratulations for the work we do and hate being told what to do. However, women look for appreciation and attention. The more I say to my wife that she's doing a tough job, and the more I recognize it's not easy, the better she feels (and caring for a 3 yo all day is not an easy job). I think we need congratulations for the work we do, and they need understanding and appreciation for their work. Since I understood this, and since I appreciate and understand what she's going through, our love- (and sex-) life is much better. I stopped saying "I work all day to support this family" and started saying "I know how you feel. You work hard all day too. Tell me how your day was.". Everything has changed ever since. Sure it involves more talking and attention, but it's worth it.