You indicate that you stay home with your children, but you have another care taker, too. Is it necessary for you to have the care taker? (Do you work, too, and need the child care?) It sounds like the kids are telling you that they would rather just have you than the care taker.

If you do need some help, maybe that help should be towards the other work you need to do -- housework, errands, etc. And, you can spend your time with them. This way, your kids are seeing that they're the most important thing to you.

Maybe you can devote a regular block of time just to them. Like, right after breakfast, or before lunch, or before/after naptime? This would be time where nothing but time together happened. It could be to go for a walk together, play or watch a movie together, or, read books. Or, just let them tell you what they want to do during that time.

Kids communicate from the very beginning. Even though they can't yet get their thoughts to you using verbal language, they're still trying to tell you something. I'd bet that the message is that they need to spend time with you.

namaste,
alex

I am a stay at home father with a four year and a five month old. So I do understand what your life is like at home all day. With the age groups of your children it is doubly tough. One thing our midwife told us is this: IT ALL CHANGES(:-
Just when you think you have all figured out or you can't handle it anymore it will change before your eyes. If you do not want to spank your kids you will stop when you can. And it sounds like that will come soon given your commitment to your kids. For me three things pop out. Get some time with each child alone. Get some time to yourself. Use your helper to get the first two things done. I would also suggest a baby sling or baby bjourn. I have one and I would not make it through the day without it. It frees up your hands. I can make dinner or do whatever I need to with baby in hand. Here is the last thing.
Your are not alone in your desperation. I cannot say enought about Dr. Sears. He has a great book on discipline. This is not a book on how to punish your kids. It is a book on how to learn the art of discipline and gives great advice and experiences. I am rambling. Sorry.
One last thing that worked for us beyond belief. When you want to get your children to something give them a choice. If you want them in the tub ask them if they want to walk to the tub on their own or would they would like you to carry them. One time when my eldest son was acting up outside I asked him if he wanted me to come and get him or did he want to come in on his own. Either way he knew he was coming inside.
Good Luck
stubbsy68

I am the stay-at-home mom of 3 kiddos. I have days where my patience is low too. I don't spank, but have felt at the end of my rope at times and just have to stick the offender in their room and close the door so I could calm down. We also have a rule that we enforce from a very young age that they can't hit eachother. The rule is "You hit, you sit". When they are very young, I have to sit and hold them to accomplish it. Then they have to apologize and give a hug to the hurt one. I also try to schedule some me time. I read when I can, even if only a magazine article. I also go out with my friends for supper once a month or so. I also agree that their mood can often reflect your mood. You could be suffering from post-partum issues and might want to see your doctor. Don't be afraid to put yourself first at times. The best gift you can give your kids is a happy mom. Take care.

I think that if you can find some time to yourself, your patience would increase and you would feel renewed for your children. Is there a drop-in daycare center in your neighborhood that you could take your children to for an hour or so one or two days a week? Contrary to what some other people have said in response to your query, I think that can be healthy for everyone involved. Even if all you do in that time period is take time to take a nap, you will be able to pick your children up and feel refreshed and be a better mom for it.

Thanks all for the suggestions, and thanks to the blogger for putting up my question.
i have/am attempting all the suggestions.God willing, i hope i can get through.i have considrably controlled myself in spanking my two year old, but with my 1 year old,after that first spanking which was done two weeks back, i have given her few more.She has been a very demanding child,right since she was born.i was off late wondering, could it be that she got upset while in the womb,or the cesarean had some bad effect on her, i read somewhere that something of this sort is possible.
i think the "you hit you sit"sounds a good idea.
Will it work n a two year old?we just shout at her when she spanks the younger.
Thanks

Dear "tired mom",

I stay at home too. Your kids are so young that all you really need to do is distract them. Even if it is as obvious as, "look over there, isn't that a pretty color on the pillow?" or something similar.
You said you have a caregiver and like to be alone when you are at home with the kids. I don't think that sounds like a stay at home mom but more like a selfish, self centered person. Kids are difficult at time but aren't you too? You need to mellow out and have some fun with them. They really are the best thing that you could ever have in your life. Please spend more of yourself on your children because I don't believe the problem is at all with them. You need to realize that you are the most important, beautiful person to them and of course they want you. If you continue to push them away, they will stop wanting and trying to spend time with you. The will not feel as secure and loved as they should.
I have a 4 year old and 1 year old. I do a lot with them and feel tired daily but I want them to be with me. When I make mistakes, I apologize to them and expect them to do the same.
Also, take your kids outside for walks, etc. so that they can burn off some energy.
Of course I don't know all the details of your life but I really hope that you open your eyes to what amazing little people you have in your life and really be the mom that they need you to be. They need some one who cherishes the time spent with them. Focus more on what your children need and less on your down time and you will enjoy them more.

They're only babies!

Focus on appropriate balance in these three areas:

behavioral control: model good behavior, praise good behavior, ignore annoying behavior, use relational aggression as punishment for potentially harmful behavior, use natural consequences for anything falling between annoying and harmful . . . no surprises, overly emotional reactions, choose your battles carefully . . . allow for a reasonable amount of individualism and communicate communicate communicate!

warmth/affection: Show your child you love them, don't just say it or buy it! Hang their art work up, make things for them, take copious pictures of them and send them to everyone you know, teach them new things, read to them, spend quality time together.

basic needs: warmth, food, appropriate enviornment, stimulation, socialization and competition

Hi tired mum,

the best idea i can suggest is to find some other mums with similar values to yours, and be with them. this will establish a social network for you, and you will see the ways that they deal with stuff. everyone has stuff, it is how people deal with it that differs. sometimes it just helps to hear that the stuff is hard for others to deal with as well. also your kids will see other kids. even if it is difficult for you to get out and be with other mothers, see if your caregiver can help. It is so important not to parent in isolation. It is too big a job for just one person.

Dear tired mom,

your initial message was half-year ago ?
Hope you're much better now.

i'm now full time handling a one-year plus a 2.5

similar to you, both kids don't like my helper,
the elder is hiting the one-year, both are very attached to mom - and i'm still breast-feeding the one-year

worse than you, my mom had a stroke, my father is under medication for severe depression - he feels terrible when i shout to helper or babies ...

i had all the bad times BUT WE'RE BETTER NOW
so i'm sure THE SAME WILL HAPPEN TO YOU

my 2.5 has been a crying and demanding baby since newborn. So i gave him more attention, while giving prompt attention to both -

for example, when both wake up and crying together, i'll pick up the one-year girl and sit next to her elder brother, mainly to comfort first the one who's easier to calm down, meanwhile, i'll tell the girl to hug and kiss the crying brother, then pass her to helper. And i'll kiss the boy telling how much WE love him.

Before, the boy would push his sister away and crying more loudly. Now, they realise that they do love each other. I can always see them hugging and laughing ... of course, they do fight sometimes.

They're both born by surgery ... just a character difference i guess

take care

What is wrong with spanking? The bible is very clear about disciplining our children, not waiting till your patience is worn so thin you blow off beating them. My daughter knows if she rebels and directly disobeys it is wrong. Therefore, I will give her a spank until she chooses to obey. This is done very calmly and most of the time not even necessary. It is important for our children to have a healthy fear and respect for parents. Ultimately teaching them to honor God as we parents do. I would label myself a Christian before an attachment-parenter, but I do agree with most of what I've read of the philosophy. It's pretty basic and I believe the way God designed it. I'm glad to know there are so many others out there nurturing their kids. Good work. I just want to incourage everyone to not have some new book or doctor or philosophy or fad to direct you. Let God's word be th ultimate authority in your lives. God Bless.

Maria,

I hope I never see another post from you on any AP related site. To your message about God and spanking, I respect that you have different beliefs, but I have mine too, and I have no qualms about saying that I believe you are truly misinformed about what is wrong with spanking. And I do think that God would agree with me that it is just plain wrong to hit children in any form or fashion. If I didn't think spanking was a horrible idea, I might just have to find you and give one to you! Bad Maria! Bad Maria!

Maria, God is please with your courage to state what I know He established. Life is hard and if it takes a swat on the nice coushie bottoms that God gave us, to keep my 2 yr. or my 1 yr. old out of the street or off the table or from touching a hot pot on the stove, then you better believe that I will do it. I will not let my child(ren) get hit or fall or burned or ... for my lack of disipline. I love my children and the
bible actually states in several place that your children will not die if punished PR 23:13 and He who spares the rod "Hates" his child not spoils. PR 13:24

And for the mom at the beginning of this. I am tired too.

It should get easier. I hope.

As I read through your postings, I got a feeling that perhaps somewhere in your conscious/subconscious mind, you are blaming your younger child for making your life more difficult. Please think about. Don't be afraid to face your feelings because you need to know the reason before you can start looking for a solution.

Also, try to see your younger child as an individual and try not compare her with the older one.

You need time for yourself. Are you sleeping soundly enough? Try some relaxation methods, like Yoga, gardening, music, breathing exercises, etc. Do things that you can along with enjoy with your children and caregiver, like dancing to a favourite song, feeding the birds/fishes, watching the flowers/plants, or whatever you enjoy. Children will surely start enjoying the activity when they see you enjoying it...

Best of luck. Regards.

Deepali.

Please, have your pituitary function checked by your local naturopath. My pituitary function was VERY LOW following the birth of our daughter. I have been taking a remedy for six months and life has CHANGED! Women should be having this checked after children.

As a mother of a colicky baby who cried almost non-stop for four months and is now almost 3 and a bundle of joy, (pediatrician said it was the worst case she'd seen in 30 years, inconsolable)I can tell you that I personally have witnessed how behavior can change dramatically. I also can tell you from experience that people, no matter whether their intentions are good or bad, can not offer you the answers because there are no wrong or right answers. There is only what works for you, and even that is fleeting. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your tiredness nor your desperation. Feeling negative thoughts about your children doesn't make you a bad mother. How you react to these feelings is what will determine what kind of mother you are. We all make mistakes, and hitting children, I believe, is a mistake. You will recover.
Shame on the people, however, who hold up the Bible as a reason for why they abuse their children. Fortunately for them, God is LOVE and will forgive them, too.

I am a single mother of 3 boys. My oldest is 6, middle 4 and youngest is 2. I have no help from family, friends, and especialy their father. My oldest is doing well in school, he gets into trouble sometimes with his teacher, but nothing too big. My middle son is doing fairly well in head start, but he has some behavior issues at school. But nothing the teachers cant handle. My 2 year old how ever, is extreamly frustrating. I am at my wits end... I tried to pass his behavior off as the "terrible 2's" but I'm beging to think it's way more than that. He is extreamly overly emotional. I cant get away from him even to go to bed. See the thing is this, He wakes up in the morning crying, he gets dressed and he cries, he eats and he cries, he takes naps, bed time, play time, geeze it seem like every thing he does or doesnt do he has to cry or at least whine first and then cry. I feel like Ive tried every thing and nothing works. even when I try to hold him hes ok until I put him down then he cries, or even sometimes just holding him makes him cry. I'm going nuts! What can I do to make this better for him and for me to keep my sanity?
thanks-end of my rope

One thing that is really bothering me about your post is that you spanked your one-year old. I cannot for the life of me imagine doing that. I have a 5 year old and a 11 month old, and at that age, they are so dependent on you, so looking up to you, so engrained in your world, that is absolutely shakes their entire universe when you do anything less than respond to them in a positive way. I know that I am not sounding too supportive, but I can't help it. We all have tired days. Unlike you, I don't have a helper. And I get so tired sometimes that I have to strap the youngest in her swing in front of a baby einstain video and set the oldest on a toddler game on the computer so I don't have to hear "mommy mommy mommy" for five minutes. But you know what, you are the adult in this situation. Yes, it is tiring, and frustrating. But when your kids get up in the morning, they think you hung the sun in the sky just for them. Never, EVER spank a child as young as one year old. It will crush her spirit and make her lose confidence in the consistency of your response to her, which sounds like the last thing you want to have happen. You are the grown up here. Have some tea, take meds, do yoga, I don't care, but DO NOT screw up the early childhood years of your precious little children who did not have a choice as to which family they were born into.

I hope things are better for you now. I have a 4 month old, and he is a handful sometimes. I have read a lot on attachement parenting, and all in all, it sounds good, but very very hard to go by. I have times that I feel sooo disconnected from my son, because I'm tired, because I'm stressed out, because I just need some "me" time. To those who somehow muster up the ability to revolve your life around your children, I applaud you...that's more than I could ever do.

I feel like I do an okay job, but it is very difficult to not have help. I am a stay at home mom also. (At the moment).

And I agree with you Maria, I am also a social worker, and a Christian. There is a time and a place for everything, some children learn from spankings (only on the butt, no where else on the body) and some don't. I was the type of child that didn't.

Spanking a one year old is a little extreme, although I have to admit, I've had times lately that I've felt like spanking my 4 month old!

Just hang in there, it's bound to get better. You're not alone!!!

I believe it is ok to go ahead and spank your child. I don't believe it is ok to lose control and your temper while doing it to the point you beat them. I feel it is ok to spank your child if they are doing something wrong but being calm about it. A little sting from the hand on the thigh isn't going to hurt them but make them relize that they did a no no. I believe if you stick your child in the corner it is just going to be nothing but a big joke to them, And just do the same bad thing later on. Cause that is all they will expect from you. And as they come into being a teen you are gone to want them to respect you instead of laughing in your face. And they will if you do nothing but stick them in a corner. I do not agree with spanking with objects that is a big no no in my eyes. Disaplining with puting them in the corner is ok if it is something small but if they are gone to run in the road, touch a stove things that are going to diliberatly hurt them badly. I do believe everyone has there own way of raising there children, and they do what works for them. I believe the children of the world are out of control and running all over there parents cause parents don't spank. I meen look at it like this your child possibly around 5-8 is getting mouthy. and you stick them in the corner that isn't going to stop them from being mouthy that is say ok if you are gone to get mouthy you can do it right her untill you stop. So they go on and on then desides to stop and then starts all over the next day. That right there is telling them they can do it. And your not gone to even try and do anything about it. So they know self concecously that they can get away with it cause mommy and daddy aren't going to do anything to stop it. YOU are the parent NOT them don't let them run your life your the one who is raising them not them you. We the parents were spanked as children and we turned out fine and we got the idea that, that hurt I better not do that again cause I don't want anouther spanking. And for those of you who hate the idea of spanking ok that is your opinion but there is no need to get craby with someone who has a diffrent opinion on how they raise there child cause we all use what works for us. So don't get all cantankerous it is just an opinion

WOW, I have a 10 month old and a 2 1/2 year old. I have no helper and my husband travels. It sounds like you are a lot better off than I am!
I am beat, exhausted and feel like a work horse. I was a very attractive woman before kids, I always look like an old hag...but I know it is not forever.

My advice would be to schedule things, this way you know that every day your kids get most of your time and every day you get to get your things done and time to do them. YEs, you need a break and if you don't get one, you get burned out. If your kids don't get enough of you they get frustrated with you and if you don;t get your time you get frustrated. You have to schedule your day!!! The same every day. Then everyone gets what they need.

Wake and shower,while the helper gets the kids

Breakfast, wash, dress and play (all with the kids)

Morning nap for the 1 year old, one on one with the older

1-2 hours of your time, lunch together, nap time (your alone time again)

One on one with the younger

dinner, bath and bed together

your time again....Man, what I would do for a helper!!! Woman- you got it made!!

on spanking...no...there is no reason to spank a one year old or another person- they are not your property, they are people.

Clearly, you know that you are spanking because you are out of control, I give you a lot of credit for admitting it and reaching out for help.

You can teach your child to respect you and keep them from danger with out spanking them...really, what does it teach?? First off it teaches them to be scared and to hit out of anger or frustration. Would you want your child to turn and hit you while frustrated w/ you b/c they could not understand you or what you wanted from them? or b/c you were overtired and needed rest?

Hitting kids is just a sign that you are out of control, and you teach them you are bigger, meaner and scrier than they are. Take a deep breath and leave the room before you hit them.

We use time out in a different way than the norm and I teach my 2 year old to go sit on the steps until he is ready to control himself (act nicely, share, use his real voice, stop hitting, use manners whatever). I let him get up on his own and decide when he is in control, when he is he comes back, I praise him for controlling himself. He basks in the praise and learns that everyone gets out of control but you must step away and regain control. He doesn't learn that I control him or hurt him when he is out of control . If I am not with him all the time and did not teach this then he would not know what to do when upset etc .
Will he walk all over me later? I doubt it, I think he will respect himself and others more- no one is controlling him, no one is hitting him, he is in control of himself.

Get control by teaching them self control, model it first then work with them.