Dave,

It's well known that "trial separation" overwhelmingly more often than not leads directly into divorce. Few separated couples ever reconcile.

It's also well known that the majority of people who divorce say, down the road, that if they had to do it all over again, they wouldn't.

In the meantime, the lives of their children, and their children's children, are shattred. When children are involved, divorce is almost always a very selfish act, by a very short-sighted parent.

Anne

Anne P. Mitchell,
Attorney at Law

I think it depends on the couple and the reasons for separation. My current partner and I have been together for nearly seven years and have separated twice. Each time, we come back together stronger. We are also toying with the idea of a "marriage sabbatical" for each of us to be able to go out and have set aside time each year to get things done without the children and relationship issues getting in the way. It's my experience that this has and will strengthen our relationship.

If a separation is meant for clarification of personal goals with a set time limit and purpose, that's different than when it's done in a state of anger and frustration over the relationship. Also, if you engage in therapy while the separation is going on, that's different than if you're just winging it. Also, the separation needs to be mutual and based on a certain level of respect and decency for both parties involved.

There are books out there that help people deal positively with planned separations, including "Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage" and "The Marriage Sabbatical: The Journey that Brings You Home"... highly recommended for people considering these issues.

I have to disagree about divorce being a selfish act. Staying together "for the children" can be just as bad as separating, and sometimes worse. As someone who has been a single parent since becoming a parent, it's hard for me to put myself in such a situation, but I cannot believe that it's better for me to stay in a situation where my child's father and I are both miserable, under the assumption that it's the right thing to do by my child. But again, I'm not experienced in this area at all, and could very well be talking out my..well, ok Dave, I'll keep the profanity on my own site. ;)

I’m sorry. Not to be disrespectful but your friend needs to grow up and learn about responsibility. His actions of ignoring his wife and children are very selfish. You can’t just throw out your family when the chance comes along. Think about how awful this period must be for his wife. Not only does she have to suffer the loss of her husband, she has additional demands from the children because they only have one parent now. And imagine what the children are going through. This is not a good situation. And as a proponent of attachment parenting, I would like to see you take a stand, kick your friend in the bu**, and tell him to treat the family he loves like a family he loves.

I hear what you're saying and I appreciate your perspective, Alex, but just as I don't want friends telling me how to live my life, I'm not comfortable confronting my friend or "kicking him in the bu**".

For all I know, there could be extraordinary circumstances - his wife could have had an affair, for example - that he doesn't want to share with me, but that have effectively pushed him out the door.

Frankly, he wouldn't be the first man to say "A" when the situation is really "B", so it's also possible that his talk about enjoying being single might be a rationalization for surviving a hurtful and painful situation...

We all separate for many reasons, more so reasons out of our control. I agree that staying in a relationship with someone just because of the children is wrong. When two people have come to the point where nothing ever seems to better, your stuck in a relationship that you almost regret, that is when you know there's better things in life than to live miserable with someone you will never grow strong with. The foundation is broken at that point and it would be time to move on. Find happiness in your self, no person can make you happy if your not happy with self first. My separation has lead to Divorce, and it was by choice, not chance. I'm more happy now than I have been in a long time, because I know there is someone out there that will love me for who I am. The lord has a blessing for me, that I'm ready to receive.

How many people truly marry people they hate?
Why do we marry people we do not like?

I believe that when we marry we marry someone we love and like. So what happens?

One writer spoke of the foundation being cracked and need to start over with a new house. I believe that divorce sometimes has to happen, in cases of those married to people who are trying to kill them, molesting they children, or verbally abusive, adulterous, and refuse to change and get real help.

I would recommend that in the next relationship that we attend to making sure the foundation is good. All builders know the corner is the most important piece. So I suggest you make sure Jesus is the cornerstone. I also recommend the foundation needs to start with God's Word as your base. I guarantee that Jesus and God's Word will not crack and you can have a house that will not fall.

For all of the people who don't think it's right to stay together for the sake of the children: did anyone ask the children?

I'm an adult child of divorced parents, and let me tell you, the divorce doesn't solve anything, it just makes the kids responsible for peacekeeping between two adults who are apparently too immature to uphold the promises they made to each other. If two adults can't maintain a relationship, how do you think the kids fare trying to maintain it for them?

Divorce is a selfish act. When you bring kids into the world, you have to sacrifice for them. This may mean sacrificing your own happiness, but if you decide to stick it out "for the children" you may find a way to make the journey enjoyable since you have to be there anyway.

Be adults! Work it out!

I just can't believe some of these comments. Every situation is unique. Stay because of the children? I highly disagree. Children will walk their own path with you as their role model. if you stay in a loveless marriage with no affection and only fighting, they will seek the same type of mate when they get older, and walk the same path. I have heard so many kids say..they wish mom or dad had divorced sooner than they did. I spent my whole life sacrificing myself so hubby could be happy. he took full advantage of it, and my kids saw a lovely picture portrayed before them. Now I am an empty shell, and it has all caught up with me. I need to take care of me now, after being sucked dry from a spouse who took advantage of my loving heart. I also saw this in my own family and parents, they modeled it for me. So don't just asume 2 people are just to damn immature to work it out. It just isn't that simple when trust has been lost and feelings of intimacy gone, because of one partners selfish and manipulative behavior. This is just a very complex subject and it makes me angry to read some of this. As for most people saying they WOULDN'T divore again if they could do it over? I don't buy it. I have personally spoke with many divorced people. They all agree they have no regrets, although things have gotten tougher in OTHER ways. They had not regretted their decision. ANyway just my own experience and 2 cents.

The question is, did he have forgotten about his responsibilities as a dad? If that happened to me, with a guy who isn't comfortable anymore when it comes to doing his responsibliities for our kids, i will be more than willing to become a single parent.
Afterall, my kids are my life and inspiration. I will overcome all the challenges of being a single parent. But of course, I will not remove any bond that binds my kids and their dad.

As someone who is a week into being separated, I can only say that as heartbreakingly sad as it is, it is the right thing to do. We've been together 20 years and have a wonderful 8 year old girl. We are co-parenting her and we are on very good terms with each other, though at times it's too much to bear. We spent the last two years trying to be what the other person needed and in the end, well, you can only be true to yourself. We do believe our child will continue to happy and feel secure because that is how we make her feel. So every case is different and every couple has their history. I'm grateful for mine and I will miss the good parts terribly. BUt I am also glad that she can be happy to lead her own life too.