I have no experience to speak of as my daughter is 8 months old so I don't know why I'm so compelled to comment. I like the idea that you invite the number of kids based on the age of the birthday kid. I'm sure one can't make everyone happy but ultimately it'll rest on your needs. What can you deal with? Some can deal with the havoc of an "out do the Johnson's" party. Others prefer the intimacy of a small group. I'll be checking in to see what you decided. Good luck.

Can't you just send "cupcakes" to school to celebrate his birthday with the class and then have a smaller celebration with his friends at another time? Kids tend to play with just a certain number of other kids, not the whole class. Those are the kids he'd probably like to have the smaller birthday party with. Then no one is left out.

I am trying to forgo the whole traditional party and really trying to avoid parties in general as they are stressful. Instead I am going to try to convice my kids each to do something fun like a theme park with just bro and mom n dad.. as they get older maybe invite a friend. I just find that if we do get an invite to schedule something else. If it's a friend we have known for a long time and if they have come over to our house before and there is a definate relationship already there then I will attempt to make the party. Otherwise it a commmercialized affair of just giving items to a family we don't really know... anyways I found this webpage a while back and have fun reminding myself why I 'm not into them as much..

http://birthdayswithoutpressure.org/

I was going to let my daughter, (2nd grade) give an invitation to all the kids in her class (25) but then I'm thinking maybe she should just pick out 4 or 5 and we'll mail them. But then what if the 4 or 5 we choose don't show up? I know from getting invites through out the year from children in her class that we don't go to all of them. I'll show her the invite and ask her if she wants to go. Sometimes she says yes and sometimes she says no. Other times if I don't recognize the child's name and we are busy then I don't even mention it to her and we don't go. Point is, out of 25 kids only a handful, maybe 10 at most will show up. So it really depends on where you are having the party. In our case we are thinking about the local YMCA. It's only $60 for the first 20 kids. They'll get an hour of swimming and an hour in the party room where we can have cake/ice cream and play games. If you are having it at your home or at a place where you literally have to pay per child then it's more reasonable to just invite 10 or less in my opinion. Still not sure what I'm going to do, but it helped to read all the comments.

Hello, I just found your business blog site and through that- this one. I'm a fan already!
I have to agree that perhaps the party invitations mailed is the best way to deal with the situation. I have raised two children and the truth is, the world isn't a perfect or fair place to live and sometimes you'll be on top of it and sometimes you won't. I am all for doing our best not to cause a childs feelings to be hurt, but there are times we can't keep it from happening and parents have to use those times as teachable moments. I kind of liken this idea to a conversation I had with my mother shortly after I gave birth to my first child. It was a profound 'teaching moment' for me, her child, even though I was an adult. It went like this- As I was holding my precious newborn who was in the throws of suffering some unknown tummy pain. I said with empathetic agony over my inability to do anything to relieve her, "Why do little babies ever have to feel pain at all? Tiny people shouldn't have to feel pain yet." My mother was quiet for a moment. I really wasn't thinking there was an answer when she said something I never forgot. She ran her hand over the sweet little girl in my arms and said, "Well, If they didn't learn to deal with the little pains along the way, then it would have to happen all at once someday and it would be excrutiating." So simple and true. I have found this to be a great help in many difficult areas of child rearing.

I can see the parents getting more upset about it than the kids. Say Jimmy's mom invites specific people but then they don't invite Jimmy to their party, she might be upset. Parents are worse than the kids sometimes.

The only year I had a big birthday party (more than family and closest friends from the neighborhood) was the summer before 3rd grade. We had about 10 little girls sleep over on our front porch. What fun that was!

I Believe It is Defiantly up to what the parent can Handle!! My Son Will Be 11, And he has begged every Year For A Big Birthday Party, But we've Put it off Till This Year! We Will Be Hosting a Huge Halloween Birthday Party For Him We're Inviting All The Kids in His 4th And 5th Grade Classes!!60+ Kids From 9-12 Thats Not including our Friends And Family..But We've Been Planning Since Mid Summer..It's Taking Alot Of work and Money But It is what He wants and this is our Birthday Gift to Him.. But We feel Like the kids are old enough to where you can kind of control them..lol..I know I could not have did this with younger kids..Plus I'm Sure all the kids want show up..Thats why we are inviting all the kids,Because we dont want to hurt childrens feelings and I dont believe that the kids who are not close to my son will acually come.. :-)
We Believe Our Son will always be able to look back and think this was one of the best Birthdays Ever...And of course you want your child to have his Birthday wish!! :-)

Wow, no one has yet mentioned the OTHER teaching opportunity for our kids here. It seems to me that the biggest issue in the classroom is not hurting other kids feelings. So if you are not going to invite all the kids, teach your child HOW to not hurt anyone's feelings.
Giving invitations outside of school is best, but if your child is old enough to hand them out themself, teach him or her to do it discretely. Gosh, even MY feelings would be hurt if someone excitedly handed out party invitations at my Moms Club meeting, and I didn't get one;). But grownups know how to be discrete, and invite someone quietly if others are around. Even if it's just to lunch.

It happens that have had a litte experience with a child not being invited to a birthday party as recently as yesterday. My son was the only boy from his class not invited to another boy's birthday party. Let me say that given some of the above comments - my son is not a bully. I say this not as an over protective mother but as someone who talks to the teacher to ask how he is doing ect on a regular basis. He has friends who were genuinely surprised that he was not invited to this party. They found out at the same time he did...after school waiting to be picked up a limo pulled up to pick up those lucky enough to be invited to this kid's party. My son is impressed at first but does not rush forward as every other boy in his class did. Several look back saying "come on" but of course he doesn't because he realizes that this is the party he did not recieve an invitation to in his 'mail box' over his book bag the week before. Let me ad that this is a Christian school and the mother of the child who was having the party is a teacher's aide. She knows better.

Every child cannot be invited to every party. Sometimes personalities clash and a child might not want another child at their party. All fair enough. But for goodness sake have the class and empathy to NOT have a limo pick up all the other kids (in this case boys) in front of the one who you chose to exclude. I never take these things personally because as adults we know every kid cannot be invited to every party. But I find it very hard in this situation to understand why this happened. These are eight year olds and I have never had a cross word with this mother. I am seriously thinking about going to the mother of the birthday boy and asking what on earth we did to offend her. I know that is not the most 'grown up' thing to do but I will continue to wonder if I don't. If anyone reads this and cares to reply....what do you think?

Tammy, it's also possible that your son was overlooked by accident. Perhaps his invitation was lost.

We belong to the "guests = age of child" group, but I really wish I had not set up the expectation of a party every year. I suppose we do the parties because we just don't have a big family to celebrate with like I did when I was little. We also have the parties at our house, without any grand entertainment or any huge expenditures.

Of all the parties my daughter has attended, my favorites have been the backyard parties. Simple, fun, not showy--and they expect the kids to entertain themselves. Imagine! The limo ride to the movie theater, the afternoon at the spa...those parties are such an incredible waste of time and money. What the heck are we teaching these kids?

My son, who is in half-day Kindergarten, is turning 5. We spoke with the principal who informed us that we may not distribute invitations to the class. Keep in mind we were inviting the whole class(21), with the idea that maybe 10 would show up. Is it so bad that children these days can't even invite thier classmates at a public school to a party because the school would be held liable. This is the most ridiculous policy, unwritten policy I have ever heard. If anyone, anywhere has a similar situation, I would love to hear about it.

I am going through this right now as we speak! My oldest is turning 7 and would like to invite his whole class (25 kids). But, we have a large circle of friends (outside of class) that he'd like to invite as well. I'm not quite sure what to do. Glad to have found your blog!

Well, just this evening, I held my baby girl of 8 years old in my arms as she cried. She was not invited to her friends', and she thought she was her friend, to her b-day party. 16 girls out of a class of 25. And we know the family. A limo ride to the movies. I never thought this would happen. Only because, whoever she makes friends with it always seem to work out. But, not this time. I feel so bad for her and don't know what to do.

Jennifer,

It stinks that your daughter wasn't invited to her friend's party. Maybe the friend's parents limited how many she could invite--with a limo ride to the movies, I'd hope they drew a line somewhere.

Your little girl has been given the opportunity to learn to deal with being left out. It is painful to watch her learn this, I know, but don't forget that it really is good for her to learn how to carry on gracefully even when her friend disappoints her. There are so many lessons learned from birthday parties--how to invite a small number discreetly, how to say "no thank you, I cannot attend," how to generously invite a large number to a more modest party, how to entertain on a budget, how to thank a friend for a gift, how to be the birthday kid without being a little tyrant, and yes, how to survive being left out. It is fun to teach our kids some of those lessons, and it is painful to guide them the more difficult lessons. Good luck with this one.

I am also glad I found this blog. I am frustrated. My son will be turning 6 and we wanted to invite his whole class so as not to hurt anyone's feelings. We were informed by his teacher that as per the public school policy either we would have to mail or hand them out ourselves outside of school gates. Now, because less then half of the kid's addresses are listed in the directory, we are having to mail some and distribute some to whomever we will be able to find when we drop off our son. We wanted to not discriminate but because we will not be able to locate all of the kids, some of them will be left out and will not understand why.

In response to the original poster's bit about letting the kid ask, "how come I'm not invited to the party"... well... why does the stance have to be taken that the kid who is not getting invited is the one at fault. Did it occur to anyone that children are very clicque-y and will exclude other kids based on disabilities, dress, skin color, etc.

So maybe the explanation to a kid who has a Ausperger's or a girl who has a giant birthmark on her face is not so simple. "Well, you see honey, people are mean and narrow-minded and they don't want you simply for something you can't help."

When a kid is old enough to really pick his own friends, he can invite anyone he wants but when you're still having play dates with mothers and kids that you, and not your child, is choosing, etiquette must rule. An invitation to all is what you have to do.

And for those parents of children who single other kids out for snotty reasons, a lesson in humanity and empathy is in order instead of yet another toy for their birthday.

My son who is fifteen years old now, has never had a birthday party in his life. He had been invited to many parties but attended only selected ones.

This is only due to my wife's dislike of parents of other children.

Has anybody else got such experience?

Hello everyone! :) I loved reading all of your comments, and I thought all of the ideas were very good. I know that children can feel left out, and this began when our son was in pre-K. One mother chose to hand out invitations to the other parents picking up their children and exclude many by blatantly showing (by not handing invitations to them). It showed how parents can be as well.

Our son is now in second grade. We had a birthday party for him when he turned six years old, and we invited everyone in his class. They were some that did not show up, but it was a fun time. I thought it was nice to make everyone feel included as he handed out the invites.

He told me yesterday that another boy in his class invited many to a "Star Wars" party, and he was not invited. His best friend even taunted our son about how she received an invite. Our son told her to stop as she was hurting his feelings.

Children can be cruel, as can adults, and being invited (or not) to an event, is the ultimate in this display. It can be a learing lesson as was mentioned. I felt angry, and wanted to say something to the mother, as I know her from Cub Scouts, but is it worth it. They say the best revenge is "living well", and I will show my son this, and help him to be a better person by showing him to hold how to hold his head high, try to say, "oh, well, maybe next time." He will feel hurt, but this too shall pass. We can learn from it. :)

I'm about to tear my hair out. Our kindergartner wants to invite three classmates to a sleepover (partly because he's seen his older sister do it several times now -- he did it last year for the first time). We're in a new school that has the "no invitations unless everyone of the same gender is invited" policy. Obviously, that's not an option for us. They tell us to contact the parents directly, which we'd be happy to do -- except for the fact that we have no contact info OR last names of our son's friends, because privacy laws prohibit the school from providing that info. And at the kindergarten level, one cannot yet be assured of the reliability of information passed from 5-year-old to 5-year-old. I'm so torqued at what seems to be an awfully PC-directed policy that seems (I completely agree with a post above) to be directed more towards pathologically over-sensitive parents than towards students. I mean, the whole argument rests on several silly assumptions, such as 1) the school is actively responsible for preventing its students from having their feelings hurt (as opposed to educating them in such a manner as to prepare them to live in a world full of hurt feelings), 2) that not getting a printed invitation significantly compounds whatever hurt is experienced by not being invited (which the non-invitees will know about regardless of whether thy receive a printed invitation), and -- more seriously -- 3) that the school actually has authority to prevent such free expression, so long as it does not materially and substantially interfere with the orderly conduct of the classroom. The Supreme Court has ruled that students are allowed to distribute religious literature on school grounds -- but my kindergartner can't give out a birthday invitation?

Someone please wake me up...

I know this isn't directly related to school parties, but how about neighborhood parties? I have a question maybe someone can answer for me. We have some friends in our neighborhood, and we always invite each other to our children's birthdays. Kind of a tradition. This past weekend, they held a party for their newest child, and didn't invite us. My son noticed the balloons on the mailbox and asked why we weren't invited. Hurt feelings, yes. But also for me. This is a friend of mine, and as far as I know, we're still on good terms. If our invitation is lost in the mail, then me not saying anything to her looks like I blew the party off, but if I do say something, it's going to be seen as what....ungraceful? petty? It bothered my son a lot, but bothers me more and I don't know what to do. Help!

"but some kids are going to be invited less than others by the very nature of social dynamics. Sure, we could shield them, but maybe it'd be better to let them ask "Mom, how come I don't get invited to parties?" and for them to begin learning that being a bully on the playground just isn't conducive to being popular, or being a tattletale, or ... well, y'know what I mean"

No actually, I don't know what you mean. I find this comment quite offensive - it is just as likely that the child not invited is socially naive, less dependent on cliques or perhaps being bullied in subtle or not so subtle ways!

I'm a fan of having birthday parties with small numbers (2-6) or with everyone - leaving one or two children out is exclusion and exclusion is bullying.

I read every post this afternoon, after finally saying something to the mother of a child who told her not to invite my child after coming to his party. Is my child a bully? No. He is still kind and open and loving. Still, after two years attending THE preschool internationally renown for its community...a coop..I still value this school and what it has offered my son and I truly love the owner and will forever be grateful Sadly, my son is bullied, ignored and rejected. yes, he was developmentally not on track with his peers to start. His muscles were weak, talking, tryicyling, playing was difficult. He has worked very hard and is coming into his own but the cruelness is already in these children and in the parents. I have spent two years kabitzing with them and they are warm and friendly to me but outside of two friends, bday and bday, invitations and discussion right in front of us..my son is the one left out. For those who think a parent is petty, try it. I also have a typical child who has countless invitations .WE LIVE an attached, child centered life but it is a parent's job to facilitate sensitivity.
To those that say reciprocity is not important or that adults are petty, walk in the shoes of a parent whose child is left out and listen to the heart ache. Entertain your neighbors and lets them eat your food and drink and never invite you for a cup of coffee. They say what goes around comes around .How hard is it to have cake and ice cream in your garage or at a park..do we need to teach entitlement to our children. These children are growing up in a country in debt, the dollar is rock bottom, foreclosure mania, a recession no one wants to admit to, and we are teaching them to satisfy whims and materialism over people. We wonder why our country is disliked. It is beyond politics. It is a coma we are living in. We are asleep wanting to have, to be something and we have forgone kindness, etiquette, gratitude and common sense.

My 4 year old son has just learned that he was not invited to a classmate's birthday party. I have no idea why my son wasn't invited to the classmate's party - but that's not really the point is it? He is sad. He is dissapointed and since he is only 4, he is looking to me to teach him how to get through this.

His own birthday party is in a month and our plan have always been to invite everyone in the class to his party so that there are no hurt feelings. So, the question is, do we invite the child that didn't invite him?

In order to answer this question, I reach back to my own childhood for the answer. The summer before my 9th grade, I decided to have a small party with the kids that I had been hanging around with all summer long. I did not invite Laura. It wasn't intentional to not invite her - I just had not seen her over the summer and it just didn't cross my mind to invite her. There were tons of kids I didn't invite to this impromptu party.

Apparently, Laura learned of the party and so did her mother. Her mother devised a plan to hold a huge party once school started in the fall. The theme of the party was "Let's get revenge on Jennifer and hold a party and invite the entire 9th grade except her!"

As you can imagine, I was crushed. I learned how mean spirited and manipulative people could be all in the name of revenge. I also learned that I didn't want to be this type of mother when I grew up.

I'm 44 years old now and still think about how pathetic Laura's mom was and how as a parent today, I wouldn't want to teach my child to hold onto petty injustices. I want him to learn to move past dissapointment and to move on to the goodness in life.

So, back to my son. Do I invite the child who didn't invite my son to her party? Absolutely I do! I am teaching my child to treat others as he would want to be treated.

my daughter is in Kindergarten and was recently not invited to a classmates birthday party. this was someone she has talked about all year and considers her friend. she kept on saying for days how she wasn't invited and she didn't know why. the girl handed out invitations right infront of her. i didn't know what to tell her. the girls that were invited kind of rubbed it in her face for days. wow, kids can be cruel.
anyways, finally she has received her first invite of the year and she is excited. i am supposed to RSVP by email. this may sound silly, but how should i ask what gift I can buy and also is it proper to ask if the parents can stay?

I have not had the funds to invite classmates/friends to my daughter’s b-day parties. I usually just have something with our family. My niece and nephew are close to her age, so we invite them of course. Sometimes the family’s schedules conflict, so I did something new this year. I took just the kids skating, and then when we got home we had pizza and cake with grandma and grandpa. This was more affordable and fit everyone’s schedule much better. What does anyone think of this idea?

I had asked a teacher just earlier today for help inviting 4 of my 8 year old daughters close friends to a surprise birthday party. She gave me a hard time about it, and pretty much declined saying that the school frowns on that as there will be hurt feelings, and either all kids or just the girls should be invited. I completely understand this, but considering that a few of the girls in her class often bully my daugther, and this teacher knows it, that would "not" even be a consideration, so it stuns me she would even recommend it. I am not sure what to do now or how to track down these girls addresses.

Today, my son told me that he was not invited to a birthday party that at least most of the class was invited to. He is 9 years old and said that he was hurt a little. He says that the kids don't like him because he is annoying to them. However, when I question the teachers, they do not see this. I work at the school and when I see him with his class, he seems liked. I assume this will pass, but it hurts (him and me). I explained to him that this happens and I don't want it ruining his week or the rest of the school year. I also explained that it was not very nice for the boy to be talking about it at school and that we don't need friends like that. We then talked about the situation happening to everyone, even me when I was a child. I don't know what else to do? If anything?