I have been through this process. I have a 3 year old daughter that went back and forth and had a great time with dad, but had a hard time being away from me. We are now back together and she has the best of it all, but I worry about how it affected her. I knew that she understood that something was wrong. The question is, how do you explain to them in a way they understand?

My children were 6 and 18 months when my ex and I separated. We had raised them AP style and I was still nursing my youngest and shared sleep with us. So this certainly complicated things when my ex husband moved out. Having said that, in some ways, it made the transition easier. My children were already very used to their father having a large part of their lives so when they stayed overnight at his place the transition wasn't as difficult. He would walk our youngest to sleep in the sling in the evenings and share sleep with him, which was something that used to happen when we were together already. As the kids became older, we split the time up 50/50 switching homes every 2 days and alternating weekends. Some people have wondered what it is like for the kids to go to a different home every couple of days, but it works for us and the kids are happier that way. And you're right about the harbor, sometimes they see it as a mini vacation when they go to the other parent's house. We've more or less kept the same style of parenting since the separation and that has provided consistency as well.

hi,
I just happened to get to this page by chance. I read only a few entries. forgive me for asking/intruding but I cant help but to inquire as you seem like such an emotionally intelligent guy...

Have you and Linda tried marriage counseling?

My husband Todd was divorced with 2 kids when we met. When we contemplated marriage I suggested premarital counseling. He was reluctant at first. After spending 2 months in counseling he was a proud supporter. Now I feel that having gone through the experience or relationship is very secure.

Todd says that had he done the counseling with his first wife he would have saw the flags that the relationship was headed south.

So again I'm sure you've addressed all the things you needed to but I just felt the need to check on that one.

wishing you both and the kids the best

Lara

My parents split up about 4 years ago. I am 17, my brother is 16 and my sister is 8. My dad lives in our family home and my mother has an apartment. We alternate houses every tuesday. My mother's apartment is in a much more interesting and exciting part of town, so I like that aspect of the arrangement. I got to move without moving. Also, my dad and I don't always get along very well, so it is nice to be able to go a week without seeing him. However, there are several problems. Hauling your stuff around in a laundry basket gets old after a while. Sometimes, I feel adrift and like I'm always moving. Also, I find that my brother and I do less chores now because by the time things get messy enough to clean, we leave for the other parents house. This has caused some tension with our parents. My sister had a much harder time with the divorce than my brother or I did. She went through a phase in which she constantly pretended to be sick to be able to stay home and spend time with a parent. Overall it is probably the best arrangement that we could have come up with.

Best of luck in figuring out a solution for your family. Try to be as open with your children as possible. I wish my parents had been more forthright and honest about what was going on. They didn't tell us my mom was moving out until after she had found an apartment. Also, try not to split your kids up. That would have been the worst possible thing my parents could have done. My brother and sister and I have gotten much closer as a result of being the constant presence in each other's lives.

Sarah, Thanks for your meaningful input. I'm sure you have helped a lot of parents.

Hello there!
I'm 16, and my parents separated just a year ago. I actually stumbled upon your blog while I was looking for a monologue on parental separation. Acting is how I have learned to work stuff out. But that is besides the point.

I wanted to respond to what you said about the children becoming nomads. This is the situation I am currently stuck in. My dad kept the house that I was born in, and my mom bought an apartment a few blocks away. For lack of a delicate phrase, it sucks. Clearly in any situation it sucks, but every saturday night I pack up all my clothes in a little canvas box and take the walk of death from my mother's apartment to what i have always called my home. Every week there are at least 10 necessities that I realize I am without.
It is not only the lack of material possessions that trouble me. I have lost my home. Leaving school at the end of the day becomes a painful process EVERY day. I don't feel like I have anywhere to kick up my feet and feel home. I used to be very up tight about the use of the word "home," on vacations we didn't go home to the cabin where we spent at least half of all our summers, we went back to the cabin.
Last week I was in Chicago with my choir, and the hotel where we stayed one night was home. In fact, ever since returning from that trip the idea of home has become even more distant.

Not having any one place to call home, makes it harder to not have one unit to call family
Something to think about in your consideration of possible living situations.