Gosh, Dave, that's a really hard call to make. I'm very much a proponent of giving children a voice, and I struggle with this constantly, and with my Southern-raised husband, whose outlook on the subject (and that of his family) is that children should 'not' have a voice. (run on sentence - sorry...) It's such a delicate and tricky balance, allowing children a voice - being separated would make it so much more tricky! I guess I just have good wishes and empathy for you, because, I sure don't have any advice! I hope she willingly goes with you tomorrow!!

hmm.. I see no worries with changing a plan.. it's how the plan gets changed.. if K- thinks it was changed because she whined and screamed about it.. well.. then that's no bueno.. calling in hysterics makes it sound like panic.. and panic succeeding only encourages more panic next time..

As long as K knows it is the adult's decision.. that the adult is willing to listen to the child's side.. but even a well presented reason for the child's opinion doesn't change the fact that the adult gets the final say.

It becomes a power struggle when the kid _or_ the parent doesn't know who is in charge.

Just like in busines.. Under promise.. and over deliver.. They don't need to know all the plans.. it's nice to keep 'em in the loop.. but if you feel you have to bounce everything off of them.. well.. that's more stress ya' don't need.

If they are upset and angry.. sympathize with them saying, "I know.. what a drag." .. but stick with your decision.. which is why telling them the decisions before hand locks you into sticking with it.. keep things fluid and they'll think that you had control the whole time... which makes them feel comfortable..

You sound like you do a great job.. Just don't be afraid of keeping them out of the loop at times.. just like you don't let them watch certain movies.. they don't need to know all that goes on behind the curtain.

Good luck! .. and don't forget the hugs!

As mentioned in the first comment, I'm at a loss as well. That's a difficult situation.

Still, these jumbled thoughts come to mind:
1) I imagine part of K-'s response is that she's also confused and hurt by the changes going on in her life as a result of the divorce. It seems important to me that she would have the opportunity to voice her frustration. Maybe she wanted to stay because it felt like the most secure place to her at that time.

2) I think we're not just looking at what's best for K-. We're also looking at what's best for you and Linda. As Dr. Sears often says in The Baby Book (the unofficial "Attachment Parenting Handbook"), our kids need healthy parents. Sometimes we're willing to jeopardize our own health or our own feelings because we're constantly thinking about what's best for our kids. It sounds to me like this was a bad day and a hurtful situation for you. Maybe it mattered more to you than K- whether she stayed with Linda or came home with you.

Hi Dave,

Here's my two cents....

As much as we would like it to be the contrary separation is hard on everyone including children. But we all have our fates to live out, so no point in feeling guilty.

At this point I would take less of what your daughter does at "face value". I can imagine she has "old feelings" and the crying has less to do with YOU and your place more to do with processing her hurts. I obviously don't have time to go into it here but crying is very beneficial and therapeutic. And often times after children have a good cry they are much more cooperative and able to think more clearly. I can imagine she was using this situation as an excuse to get some feelings out. The "Broken Cookie Phenomenon" as I like to call it.

The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is listen to her feelings in a loving way and then see what happens afterwards. I can pretty much guarantee that if you listen to her whole crying session, afterwards she will happily come with you. Plus you will closer and more connected.

I can imagine she is feelings insecure, and needs extra love and support. Its sounds like you are doing an excellent job as is. My suggestion on top of what you are doing is giving her that listening time.

There is no point in trying to fix things on the surface when you can get to the root.

The most helpful info I have found on hurts in children and crying comes from Dr.Solter @ awareparenting.com and Patty Wipfler @ handinhandparenting.org

All Good Wishes,

Ashley

My point of view on this situation comes from being a child of divorce. My significantly younger sister, who was 4yo at the time, would cry for hours after our father picked us up or dropped us off. It's a very difficult thing for a little one at that age to process emotionally. S/he might be able to rationalize it, but emotionally they just don't adjust as quickly. I would say that for the first phase of this separation respect the child's feelings and, if it's not too much of an inconvenience, let them decide. Later on when they are more emotionally adjusted to the situation, you can have the last word. I really don't think that this is a power struggle type of situation at all. I think it's a time and adjustment situation (if that makes sense). Best of luck.