Depersonalizing my house to sell it faster

I haven't written too much about it here on my blog, but if you've tracked my Twitter stream (I'm @DaveTaylor on Twitter) you'll know that I've been trying to sell my townhouse in Boulder for a few months now. Lots and lots of people checking it out, a fair number of second and third visits with spouses, etc, but no offers yet. Not one. Even though universally the feedback we get from the post-showings are "shows well", "beautiful", "sunny", "priced right for the market".

So what's a guy to do when he's trying to sell his bought-too-darn-soon-after-the-pre-divorce-separation place and move into a house that's big enough for his family and has enough land that we can erect a basketball hoop, etc?

My realtor suggested a path: let's more aggressively "stage" your house.

Yesterday I had a professional staging team here for an hour and learned a lot about the psychology of selling houses. First off, there was surprisingly little that they wanted to do and they were happy to see most of the rooms were already clutter-free. Their most positive feedback was that my closets have about 25% empty shelf space, something that is apparently a big deal.

All the pictures of the kids? All gone. All signs that my 6yo daughter shares the master bedroom with me? Gone. All the unique artwork and illustrations? All gone.

The place that we're going to change the most is the living room, the first thing people see when they walk in the door. With two floral couches (inherited from my ex mother-in-law, and couches I actually hate, but that's another story) and a similar floral floor area rug, it's too much, too eye-catching, and they're going to at least replace the rug and see how it tones down that space.

What we've been doing, in essence, is stripping away any signs of habitation. It's clear that if I were to go to the extreme, I would turn my house into a "model" home that has a minimum of furniture in each room and has no personality at all.

Why? Because apparently people shopping for a house are intimidated / confused / sidetracked by the personality that already is in a house because it's where someone (or some family) already lives.

Think about that for a second.

it's really a weird idea, and rather counter-intuitive to me. How can I visualize the downstairs room as an office, for example, if I don't see a desk in it? Or realize I could have twin kids share a room if there's only one bed in it? Seems daft to me, but we'll see what transpires. After 3 1/2 months on the market, I'm ready to give it a second shot.

Now if I could just erase all signs of my personality and my family's presence... :-)

Single Dad traveling with kids isn't so easy...

I just took my kids (13, 10, 6) to Orange County - aka "The OC" - to visit my folks for a week, and while it all went smoothly for the most part, there was more than one point when I really had to stop and marvel at how difficult it is to travel with kids as a single parent.

To set the scene, my kids really are experienced travelers, great on airplanes, and generally cooperative and happy young folk, but I think what's most difficult is that there's no break, no relief from us being jammed into a tight, foreign space for day after day. No "I'm going to my room to read and get some breathing space!" or "I'm off to Sue's house for a few hours", just all of us constantly together. Which can get difficult, to say the least.

I even planned ahead and invited my sister to join us from Alaska for a sort of mini-family reunion then asked if my 13yo daughter A- could bunk with her, which worked out great.

It wasn't the hotel room space that was difficult, though, it was just the progression of days...

Again, don't get me wrong, I feel like they did well, and I managed reasonably well, even if I didn't have five minutes off in a week (one luxury of being a single dad is that half the time my kids are with Linda and I have a busy, satisfying and recharging single life, except, of course, when I'm on the road with the kids. I call that the single parent silver lining, but that's the subject of another post).

There were a few moments during the week when I also realized how little positive feedback I get for being such a dedicated dad: for even taking the kids on a trip of any sort, let alone an expensive one that included time at beautiful Laguna Beach and a trip to our family's favorite SoCal venue, SeaWorld. Instead, I thought about how one of the challenges that us single dads have is that our culture is so focused on how wonderful, important and critical mom is to children, but dads? We're all the pyscho angry stalker types who screw up our kids. When do we get the positive feedback for even a job adequately done, let alone done well?

Kids playing in the waves, Laguna Beach

I know that in my immediate family there's little positive feedback. My kids are surprisingly thankful, but when they're appreciative one minute and arguing with each other the next, well, it's hard for the positive to stick. Getting positive feedback from my ex is vanishingly rare for reasons I won't go into here, and my parents are great folk, but totally clueless about my challenges as a single dad. So I do what I bet a ton of single dads do: I plod along, trying to do the best I can and hoping that I'm just racking up karma points and helping positively influence and love my children. That I'm "doing it right."

Man riding dolphins, SeaWorld San Diego. Cool, eh?

After a few days I could see the interpersonal energy between my children start to lag, where the collective grumpiness rose to the point where each was interested in what they wanted to do and quick to complain about anything else. So I was in Southern California -- a place I love, full of cool things to do -- with a 6yo that was just dying to go back to the beach, a 10yo who said he "hated" the beach and it was boring (even though he'd had a great time when we were there, as you can see in the above photo!), and a teen girl who would have been fine laying on the hotel bed, reading her new book, then going shoe shopping. OMG.

We muddled through, and I only threatened to drive to the airport and fly home early (which would have cost $400 in ticket change fees, thanks to Frontier Airlines greedy ticket change policies) once or twice. But we survived, the kids all said that they had a great time, and we made it back to Colorado intact.

During the trip, I took the girls for a manicure, my 6yo's very first!

Still, it makes me wonder why travel is so tricky. I know it's not just me, because I hear from my kids and, occasionally, Linda, about how it's hard when they're all together too. I guess my sister and I fought when we were on family trips too: is that just the nature of travel with children, the push-pull of wanting the known, the normal, the regular rhythm of daily life versus the adventure and change of travel and places new?

I have to admit that I was greatly relieved to see my friend Ashley E. Kingsley (who runs the nifty Daily Deals for Denver Moms) post the following to Facebook the day after I got home:

"...remind me: travel with kids causes spurts of insanity, shortness of breath, redness in face, lack of patience, hysteria, drinking straight from airplane liquor bottles, and occasional Tourettes syndrome, bouts of crying and excessive dreaming of 'remember when we were single' moments."

In fact, Ashley, your posting was the impetus to write this blog post. Why? Because I was afraid that saying the trip was other than joyous and harmonious would somehow reflect badly on my parenting skills, that if my kids weren't happy 24x7 that it was somehow a reflection of either my inability to entertain them or of my corrupting, negative influence on them as they've grown up. Yeah, I'll let you, dear reader, unwind all the unstated assumptions in that statement.

Self portrait at Seaworld San Diego. Yes, it was hot!

My thoughts post-trip are revolving around finding someone to travel with us, whether it's an au pair, babysitter, or even another family (which would be ideal: another single dad or a single mom with one or more age-compatible kids) (there's a business opportunity there, y'know...), or taking trips with just one child, which has historically been way, way easier: this summer I've taken my 10yo son solo to Chicago for a week and my 13yo daughter solo to Colorado Springs for a week, both of which were delightful and far less stressful.

But enough about my musings.

If you're a single parent, talk to me about how you approach travel with your children. Do you only travel to your family so you have a support team at your destination? Do you bring a FWB to help with the kids and, um, the evening entertainment after they've gone to sleep? (only mostly kidding with that one!!) Or do you just skip traveling, waiting for when you're in a stable, committed relationship again and can travel as a bigger unit?

Can ex's successfully have joint vacations?

Mmy kids were on holiday with my ex for a few weeks, missing me (as they reported via email, text message and phone call) but enjoying their time with their mom. "Why can't you be here too, Daddy?" was the constant refrain. Then when they're with me on trips, it's clear they miss their Mom too...

A few years ago, when we were separated but not yet divorced (though divorce was clearly the path towards which we were heading) we tried a joint holiday in Hawaii, where Linda rented a condo through Hilton's timeshare program and I rented a townhouse essentially across the street through the vacation rentals by owner site VRBO.com. It really was walking distance between the two places, both had beautiful grounds, cool swimming pools and were both in a pretty area of the Kona coast of the Big Island. We also had separate rental cars, of course.

We were there for three weeks, and basically kept our regular parenting schedule there, which also allowed me to co-host a social media event (the Aloha Summit) with my friend and colleague Andy Beal during the days when I didn't have my kids anyway...

Continue reading Can ex's successfully have joint vacations?

Should you allow your older child to crawl into your bed at night?

A reader writes in a surprisingly common question about co-sleeping:

"I'm curious as to what your opinion is on the subject of co-sleeping. I raised my 9 year old on attachment parenting since he was an infant, and will occassionally find him in my bed in the morning. It doesnt happen very often, however my ex's fiance who was raised in a very non affectionate household seems to think that this is very unhealthy. My son is a bright kid and highly affectionate himself, and I find that an occassional sleep over is fine. Your thoughts on this subject are greatly appreciated!"

Continue reading Should you allow your older child to crawl into your bed at night?

Stay up late? It's probably because you're so darn smart...

Sometimes you bump into research and say "yeah! that's me!"

That was my reaction when I bumped into an article in Psychology Today entitled "Intelligence: the Evolution of Night Owls".

You can read the entire article for yourself, but here's a choice quote:

"Because the nocturnal lifestyle allowed by electricity didn't exist 10,000 years ago, we must now rely on general intelligence to override our early-to-bed instincts. So those with more of it stay up later."

Continue reading Stay up late? It's probably because you're so darn smart...

Aeropostale perpetuating the waif ideal with "skinny" jeans

My 13yo daughter A- has a new obsession: the national clothing chain Aeropostale. Their clothes are cute enough, but why people are willing to shop at a store where 90% of the merchandise are billboards for the brand is a bit beyond me. Shows how deeply brand identification is part of modern culture, I suppose.

Still, there we were looking for some shorts and I noticed the labels for their jeans:

Can you see that? "Skinny", "Destructed Skinny" and "Ultra Skinny". What?!?

Continue reading Aeropostale perpetuating the waif ideal with "skinny" jeans

Hey TechCrunch, Computers do not produce bad grades!

I'm aghast. Over on TechCrunch, a site known as much for its gossip-mongering as its tech reporting, John Biggs is reporting (sort of) on a study that he claims demonstrates children who get computers in developing nations get worse grades in school.

Here's the link: Study: Mixing School-age Kids and Computers makes for Bad Stuff.

I'm a researcher and there are so many things wrong with John's throwaway piece that my head is reeling...

Continue reading Hey TechCrunch, Computers do not produce bad grades!

UC's Survey on Multimedia Children's Books (or is it vendor research?)

I constantly get queries from academics asking if I can help them disseminate information about a survey they're doing on some subject or the other, often without indicating critical things like the topic of the survey or -- for those of you that understand the nuances of research -- the source of their funding.

This is another in that vein, a research project from the University of Connecticut exploring the impact of multimedia books. "The survey is for academic purposes only and the responses are only recorded in the aggregate. Respondents may opt-in to a drawing for iTunes gift cards."

http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/WEB22ATY56VF98

If you're so inclined, go and respond before you read my commentary on the survey and its questions, because you likely won't want to once you've read what I've written...

Continue reading UC's Survey on Multimedia Children's Books (or is it vendor research?)

Dating Men With Kids

I was chatting with my pal Nora a while back about dating and how things change when the men she meets are fathers, not just bachelors, and she proposed writing a little guide for us single dads and the nuances of dating from a woman's perspective. This is it, with the names changed to protect the privacy of the men mentioned. Enjoy.

Dating after the age of thirty-five (let alone after the age of forty) is an interesting endeavor. Most of the men I've met over the past four years have been divorced and the majority are dads. More than once I've been asked, "Is being a dad a dating deal-breaker"?

Dave and I were recently discussing this exact topic and he asked if I would be willing to share my reply to him with the readers of his blog. Agree or disagree, here's my perspective - as a woman without children of her own.

Continue reading Dating Men With Kids

Parenting as we wished our parents had done

I was chatting with a friend last night and the conversation shifted into how we are with children versus how our parents were with us when we were kids. It struck me that I make decisions on how to father my children with that very idea in mind: when my son wants to do something that's out of my comfort range, do I say "yes" or "no", and why?

There's a deeper thought underlying this because I also believe strongly that my parents did the best that they could, given who they were, the environment within which they grew up, and the culture of parenting that was popular when I was a kid in the late 60s and early 70s.

Continue reading Parenting as we wished our parents had done

Funding the kids toy stash at your ex's house

One of the turning points in my ex and I stabilizing the situation with our kids after we separated and then divorced was for us to agree that things we bought the kids were their property and that they could take them from one house to the other without us intervening.

It's a recommended philosophy in co-parenting (e.g., parenting after a divorce) books too and saves the kids lots of stress about "toys at mommy's house" and "toys at daddy's house" and it also just makes intuitive sense.

I know that if I were a child of divorce and I got into a new toy or game, I'd want it to migrate with me, not be shackled to a specific building, address or parent. Ideally, it'd all just work so smoothly and my parents be sufficiently close geographically that I'd never even really think about it.

But from a parent's view, from the view of the person who certainly seems to buys the majority of these things, well, it doesn't always work out as desired...

Continue reading Funding the kids toy stash at your ex's house

Traveling with my son: restaurant choices

Okay, tonight was a great test of my ability to stay focused on the important things and practice that zen-like calm I try to have when things get frustrating. I managed it, but not without a tiny cry of despair inside...

I've brought my 10yo son G- to Chicago for a week's holiday with me, we've been to the amazing Museum of Science and Industry, the very cool Field Museum, tomorrow we're off to Navy Pier and an evening architecture boat tour, it's been fun. I really like Chicago too, and have a secret goal of teaching my kids to appreciate city life too: their Mom strongly dislikes big cities and avoids them like the plague and I don't want them to inherit that attitude.

Which is all well and good until it's time to eat...

Continue reading Traveling with my son: restaurant choices

Fun dress-up costume from TotallyCostumes.com

It's funny the things that pop into my mailbox as a daddy blogger. Too often the messages begin "Dear mommy blogger", demonstrating a really lazy PR firm or someone who just hasn't figured out that I'm not the one who birthed my fabulous children but their Dad. :-)

Actually, it usually just amuses me, but occasionally it is a bit annoying, especially when the gist of the marketing message is how moms have such a tough job as parents and how dads are rarely even around to help, but that's another story for another blog post.

When I got an email from Nova about TotallyCostumes.com, the timing was perfect: My 6yo was at that moment dancing through the house in one of her fairy outfits...

Continue reading Fun dress-up costume from TotallyCostumes.com

A Very Personal Walking Tour of Boulder...

I seem to drive everywhere, so I'm making a concerted effort to walk more and to take the bus when I feel like it's too far from point A to point B. This morning I was going to jump on the bus downtown so I could spend the morning working, but just started walking instead.

As I walked, I thought about how what you see on foot, when you have time to process information rather than focus on zooming along, offers a different, and interesting, vantage, and a chance to often see things that you would never notice otherwise.

Continue reading A Very Personal Walking Tour of Boulder...

Solo holidays are a mixed bag

It's inevitable when you're divorced, I suppose, that some holidays you'll be celebrating (if that' the right word) without your children around. Generally we do pretty well with our parenting schedule and it's a rare holiday that I don't have at least one kid in the mix, and frankly, with three to go around, we should be able to pull this off, right? :-)

Still, it's Memorial Day and my kids are with their Mom and I'm flying solo, as if it's just another day and not a holiday at all.

The wrinkle? Today is also the Bolder Boulder, a 10K run/walk event here in my home town that pulls about 50,000 people onto the course. Yup, that's 50K, it's the second biggest marathon by numbers in the United States, and the waves of people are never-ending...

Continue reading Solo holidays are a mixed bag

Help A Mom: My baby's waking up hourly at night!

As someone who writes about attachment parenting and general parenting from the Dad's point of view, I get email. A fair bit of email, actually, and it's great stuff, but sometimes I really don't have much of an answer.

One of those messages arrived this morning from an exhausted mom:

I need to find someone to connect with. I practice attachment parenting and my 6 month old sleeps with me...but he wakes every hour...I need help!

My first reaction was to suggest that she check with her pediatrician, but then I wondered if her baby wasn't nursing properly and was just perpetually hungry, or perhaps the sleeping arrangements were such that the little squirt was cold/hot or otherwise uncomfortable.

Continue reading Help A Mom: My baby's waking up hourly at night!

Interviews, interviews: let's talk!

On any given week it seems like I'm either launching an interview with someone interesting I bump into or receiving a query from a Web site asking if they can interview me. It's fun and it's a great way to build content for your site and get on the radar screen of some cool folk. And after all, who doesn't like to be interviewed in a format where you can take your time and come across as a sharp, thoughtful person?

For example, I was recently approached by a site called bizymoms.com. I'd never heard of them, but since my general policy is to say yes to interviews and since it was related to parenting topics, I assented.

A day or so later they'd sent me a standard set of about a dozen questions via email, asking me to answer them at whatever length I'd like. The result: Interview with Dave Taylor on Bizymoms.com.

Continue reading Interviews, interviews: let's talk!